Living As Jaye

Dazed and Confused

Sometime after leaving the daycare and Mr. Decker, I felt heartbroken. I missed him dearly but with daycare, once you turn a certain age (twelve here), you age out. I wanted to be liked by a man like he liked me. So I went on to online sites and phone chat lines. I just wanted to talk, feel special, feel something. I have a soft voice so being a young girl, these men who were old enough to possibly be my father, knew my age. I didn't have to tell them, my shy demeanor and baby voice said it all. These men did not care that I was fat.They loved it. They also loved the fact that a twelve/thirteen year old had DD cup breasts and full lips. I serviced men orally in exchange for time and companionship. Believe it or not, I was still very much that lonely girl who had no one. In my mind, this was how I was liked by men. I wanted to be liked so why not?

It was not until I was sixteen years old that I lost my virginity. It was to a man who I did not like. It was in a field next to an airport and I looked at planes flying over me as he laid on me. I wondered if anyone could look out the window and see us. It hurt so bad, emotionally and physically. I knew he did not care for me but he wanted his lie to be believable. After two minutes (and I'm being nice here), he finished and off I went. With blood sliding down my legs and a sore vagina, I did not understand what was so important about sex and why it was such a big deal if that was the product.

It did not take long before realizing sex was 1,000 times better and longer than that. Within a year, I lost count of the different men I was with.Sure, call me a slut or whatever but you do not understand. I was always the ugly girl that nobody wanted anything from. Now here are men who are wanting the time of day of me. Was it real? No, but it was all I needed. I was odd man out at home, I ate lunch in bathroom stalls; I had no one. It wasn't until I was eighteen that Jaye came to light.