Praying to the Sky

A/N

I am so sorry for not writing. There's been some problems at home, and then xxxtentacion passed away and that hit me hard. Never has something affected me so much before. I started listening to him the day that 17 was released, all my friends were posting pictures of the album about to drop on their snapchats and I got curious so I got it on iTunes and after that, I was in love. He was all I listened to during September, after I got out of jail for stupid lies, and he was all I listened to after my fifth suicide attempt on Christmas. Every time things would crumble, when I'd break, he'd post something on his insta story that would make me smile or motivate me (remember that anime challenge? I tried to draw and I failed miserably), or release a new song. When I heard ? Was dropping, I stayed up so I wouldn't miss when it dropped in my time zone. I don't speak Spanish lol was what finally got me over a breakup. Everything was ok. I still remember when I would joke to my ex best friend about how badly I wanted to meet X and kiss him (and then some). I told him about his radio interview, and soon not only was i in love with his music and what he stood for, but with him. His heart. I was slowly moving forward from my depression, my meds were helping more, I was going out more with friends... and then I went out drinking and landed in the hospital. After that things at home started getting rocky. My parents cut me off from the world by taking away my phone and iPod. I could deal with it. After a while I found an old iPod no one used and started using that. Then on the 18th I was snapping with my ex best friend to go out and I start seeing posts about x. I start freaking out because some said pray for x, some said rip. I swear I've never closed snapchat faster than I did that day. I googled his name and when I did I started crying because when I did all I saw were articles saying "XXXTENTACION Shot dead at 20" and my heart just shattered. I told my little brother and I couldn't even finish talking before I was crying again. For a while I was numb. I didn't talk about it. I didn't acknowledge it. I barley listened to his music, but I didn't let my friends talk about him and I slid around conversation about him. Then little by little I started listening to him again, but with that came the fact that he's no longer here. Not long after that I got dumped, I got a job where some of my coworkers treat me like trash, lost my best friend, and my family alienated me even more. My depression skyrocketed, but now the person that got me through the toughest of times is not here anymore. Yeah, I can listen to his music, watch videos, remember him, but it'll never be the same. It hurts so much. Holy fuck it does. So I tend to ghost social media and my friends when I start getting into a dark mindset, mostly to not burden them, but also so if I go through with anything and I'm successful, I won't have to say goodbye.

Sorry for this super dark authors note. Just thought you guys deserved an explanation as to what's been going on.

As a bonus so you guys can see how much I really love and miss him, here's a message I sent him, and then some I sent on a night where I wasn't ok. I'll try and post a chapter soon. Thank you guys for bearing with me. I love you all.