The Only One

So, this is my entry in the To All the Boys contest... I'm leaving it up even though the contest was already judged because I kinda like it. Hope you do too!

My heart is pounding. All I'm doing is typing but I'm thinking of you and I can feel my heart like it weighs ten tons. You never knew and you never liked me, not like that. I'm gone now, and I won't be seeing you.

That killed me.

At the very beginning, I didn't think I would get through freshman year. But it started, and I'm still standing.

You weren't even planned. Josh was, but you... you threw me for a loop, you surprised me, made me laugh, kept me going. I couldn't have told you. I wouldn't have known how, and I only ever told Samantha.

I thought I knew you, before we sat together and even at the beginning of that time. Then I saw. No one knew you. Our class knew a joker, class clown type of guy. You were deeper. I saw your hurt, even if I wasn't supposed to, even though you tried to hide it. The self worthlessness that you felt, the hurt and confusion in your family, I caught a glimpse of the emotional pain. You were so, so much more than that funny guy. You had feelings and you cared. That struck me.

I know I miss you. There's a kid named Maverick in my history class this year. He reminds me of you, but he's less. Yeah, he's a little disorganized, like you were. Yeah, he's tall, blond, blue-eyed. Yeah, he raises his hand and you can tell he's not an idiot. But you are so much more. Your eyes weren't as sharp, your smile was less rare. I miss you.

I think that you were my first genuine crush. I liked you because of your personality. You made me doubt Josh. I met you then liked you. I didn't just like you because of your surface image. You taught me an amazing lesson. And I'm trying to remember it, last week and now and next week. I'm trying, I swear. I won't let it happen to me again, not with John or Zach.

This is getting too honest.

I saw this contest and I ran through a list of names. It's a short list, yeah, but I chose you for this. You are the most painful type of love I could think of. Josh, I told (somehow). John and Zach will be waiting for me next week, month, year.

But you, Gavin, will never know.

Love, the girl from core