My confused emotions

Emotions

I want to scream and cry but I can't. My mom told me so much that I shouldn't cry. And not in the comforting way. i have never been genuinely hugged and a lot of people see me as a happy person but in my mind I'm not okay but from what my mom told me, not to cry I don't trust as many people as I should I have a short selection of three friends that I can really talk to. I go to a therapist but I talk to her as little as my mom. I go to therapy every other week she thinks it's working for me and that I'm okay now but I'm really not. Now that summer started I've been more distant from my friends so I can't talk about stuff. And I'm sorry this is so long the only people that know about my past and my friends Simon and Juliet so I have quite a lot to talk about. Here are five things I guess. 1. I tried to kill myself that's why I go to therapy. 2. I broke a china doll my grandmother gave me accidentally and I was mad at my mom I took a piece of the broken doll and scratched my wrists. I do still think about doing it again sometimes. 3. I was at soccer practice when I just sat down for a while crying while the coach tried to talk to me then my dad came over and forced me up by my arm sending me flying to the sidewalk. The police came to the house later after practice. 4.  One day I spent a whole day crying in my room and that was the only time I was able to cry until I met my friends. And finally. 5. when I talked about my past to my friends that was the first time I cried in a while and the next day at school I was very self conscious of the people who might have seen me. 

I'm sorry this is long it's just been a while since I've talked about stuff so there's quite a bit to say...