A Lover's Dream

Breakeven

Instantly everything went black. It was like every color I've ever known had been forgotten in a split second. As if I went completely blind. Was I dead? Was I alive? I don't know..

In the morning I had woken up. I felt like I was hit by a train or maybe two. But other than that something else didn't seem right. This didn't feel real. It felt as if I never really existed. I pinched myself in the creves of my arm to make sure. It hurt. Like, needle being pushed into the skin. But.. It still didn't seem real. I shrugged my shoulders and walked to the kitchen.

I grabbed a bowl of cereal and continued on with my morning routine. Sighing as I to looked at myself in the mirror. I was quite chubby. Chubby cheeks, chubby hands and a chubby tummy. Though I had a small gap between my thighs. I was tan with long cherry brown hair and dark brown eyes with an ocean blue color circulating the iris. I put on a pair of faded light blue holy jeans, with a Panic! At the Disco tee. Along with some silver studded earrings, and my black converse. Struggling to fit them on my small feet in the process.. I apply my makeup, brush my teeth, then grab my backpack and head to school.

I enter the gates of hell and look around everything is empty.. odd. Its seven o'clock. I shrug my shoulders, grab my notebook, and starts drawing a picture of a bird nearby.

I look up to get one last glance and something else catches my eye.. A boy. A boy with quite the charming facial structure. Long skater blond hair, saggy black holy jeans with a chain connecting to two of his belt loops, blue hoodie with black converses and beanie. He was stunning. He looked like a senior by how tall he was. Probably six foot two and a little but scrawny. But still attractive. He spits on the concrete and starts to pick on some of the freshman. Bad boy. Uck. Just what we needed more of, I roll my eyes.

He notices that I'm staring and he smirks. He starts to walk up to me, still smirking. I roll my eyes and continue to draw, pretending I didn't notice him. Too late. He's already standing in front of me. I quickly close my sketchbook and look at him nervously.

"Hi.." I mumble softly

"Sup?" He winks.

"Uhh not much just sitting here drawing"

"Haha oooh. Whatchu drawing?"

"Ooh nothing really just a bird"

He chuckles. "For as long as you were staring at me I'm surprised it wasn't me you were drawing" He winks. "I'm James by the way."

I softly giggle "Hi, I'm Rosalena.. But you can call me Rose."

"Lovely name. Well, it was nice meeting you Rose."

He starts to walk away then turns around and looks at me. "Did.. Anybody ever tell you, you're just as beautiful as a Rose?" He chuckles and walks away leaving me with red stained cheeks. Fuck.

I continue to draw until the first bell rings and I head inside to my locker once again. I sigh watching the jocks pick on a geeky freshman. Can't people just pick on someone their own size? I shake my head, and head to my first period class.

Shit. Did I do my A.P. English homework? I don't even remember. Everything is all a blur. I walk into her classroom and take my seat. Our A.P. English teacher, Ms. Berry is woman in her late thirties. About five foot six with long brown hair. She has glasses that she always pushes up her nose. I don't know why, they must be too big on her. Or her nose is too small.

Five minutes in to class and I'm already starting to doodle in my notebook as the teacher gives a lecture to the class about some book we are supposed to be reading. Out of boredom, I look over and notice that the same boy who complimented me outside, sits parallel to my desk. I never noticed him in my class until now. Which is odd. Considering every female around me is eyeballing his stunning features.

Once again he notices me looking, and once again winks. Gee, he must be some type of flirt. He's a bit odd though.. Considering he only notices me looking at him. When the whole perimeter of his seat is girls staring at him. He notices my drawings and gives me a thumbs up. I quietly giggle and continue to draw. I notice in the corner of my eye, his facial expression changed. From flirty.. To serious. Then I realize why. He's starting at my arm. I forgot to put on bracelets to cover my wrists.. Fuck. I slightly start to freak out and put my hands under the desk hiding them. He frowns and hands me his blue sweatshirt and whispers in my ear when the teacher wasn't looking. "You're beautiful."

I reject his offer but he then insists. So I put it on, thanking him afterwards.

In a few hours school is over and I start to walk home. Home. The word home never pleased me. Because I never feel home when I am home. I'm never happy either. My mother had died giving birth to me, and my brother died when I was eight in a car crash. I live with my father. That is when he's there. He's never home. He doesn't like to be home so he takes longer hours at his engineering job. He doesn't love me. I can feel it. He doesn't bother too look me in the eyes or at me at all for that matter. It's probably because I resemble my mother. He misses her.. I can see it in his deep blue eyes. I do too. Even though I never had the chance to meet her.

I set my bag on the table and take off my shoes. I wish he loved me. Why does he ignore me? I mean.. I caused my mothers death but.. It's not like I meant too.. She had a weak system. She almost lost her life giving birth to my brother. My brother.. My brother is the one I extremely miss. He was always here for me. I've always been alone growing up. He was the light in my darkness when I felt lonely. He felt unneeded and unwanted just as much as I do now. He was suicidal. Nobody could stop him. I tried.. But he'd just pat me on the head and said I'll never understand. I love him so much.. I wish it was me who was gone. Not him. I can't help but cry thinking about him. There's no way I can hold back my tears so I crawl upstairs to my room and start to sob into my pillow. Instantly I find myself crawling to back to the darkness..