Goodnight

17

A sudden jerk wakes me as the car bounces in and out of a pothole. I'm beginning to hate waking up in a different place to where I fell asleep. The lavender air freshener is overpowering. I scrunch my nose up in distaste. The passenger seat, where I lay, is leaning back, but I feel too exhausted to turn the little wheel that would put me into a sitting position. So, I just lay, staring at the ceiling and concentrating on the roar of the engine as Bade pushes it to go faster.

"Where are we going?" I don't mean for my tone to be so demanding, spoilt even.

"Home" This is all he says. His voice flat. I am glad that we don't roll into a conversation, I don't think I could bare it. I don't think I can bare going home, not anymore, not after what Bade said. I don't want to accept it as the truth but what choice do I have? This is reality, my reality and I so badly wish it wasn't.

I am not like them anymore, I am not part of my own family because, now, I am a different species to them. My vision becomes watery and I wipe at my eyes, determined that I will not show weakness. I have to hope that Bade will not tell anyone, I have to hope that he will let me explain. God, I'm hungry. I hadn't noticed before, but now my stomach is empty and hunger pains gnaw at me. I wrap my arms around my stomach and lay on my side, my back facing Bade.

"You can't eat" That same flat tone laces his voice. "I won't let you"

"Won't let me? So, what, you're some kind of babysitter now?" I just sound tired, so tired, so hungry.

"You can't. We need to detox you, let all of the bad out" He says this so matter of factly, like he is certain this is what has to be done.

"I'll starve to death" I really don't care, not now, not when the hunger is so distracting, taking up all of my thoughts.

"We're nearly there" I'm guessing he hadn't thought about that. Bade stares straight ahead, signalling the end of any talking. I clutch my stomach tighter, hunger and exhaustion taking full control over me. Filling my head with pictures of blood and flesh. My mouth waters at the thought.

A silence filled ten minutes passes before the car comes to a stop, dirt and gravel crunching beneath the tyres. The door on my side opens and hands reach for me, helping me sit up with my legs dangling out of the car door.

They are all here, Mirabel, Seth, Mac, Lila and, of course, Bade.

"Hey guys" I sound so weak, broken.

"Zev, you look like crap" I smile when Seth says this, almost sympathetically, but Mirabel elbows him in the stomach and crouches in front of me.

"It doesn't matter. You came home, like you promised" Tears well in her eyes, she always has been the emotional one. All I can do is nod weakly at her.

Bade says something to the others that I don't hear and Seth gently pulls Mirabel away from me, wrapping her in a hug, soothing her. Mac and Bade each grab one of my arms and lift me up. I try to walk but my legs can't seem to handle the weight of me, so Mac and Bade are left to do most of the lifting. They carry me into a small cabin, the small cabin, the one that we come to in the summer and swim in the lake that lies opposite and run in the woods that surround.

Everything is the same, the dull floorboards, the dusty smell, the faded furniture and the single bedroom with faded carpet and wooden walls. The bed has been freshly made. Are those the covers from my house? They carefully lay me down, the old mattress sinking under my weight.

For a while I am alone, left with the torturing thoughts of food. Flesh, the golden taste of it as it turns to mush in my teeth and slides down into my stomach, satisfying a deep primal hunger. Blood, the thick liquid like a soup, washing away what is left of who I really am, who I was. But soon Mirabel comes in, her eyes red and puffy. She sits cross-legged in front of me, while I lay on my side, worn and clutching my stomach as it threatens to eat me from the inside out.

"Oh Zev" She whispers, brushing a lock of greasy hair from my face. "Why you?" This question is not meant to be answered, so I let her continue. "Bade told us everything. We don't know what to do"

I wince at that, they all know. My voice is tiny and croaky, I don't expect Mirabel to hear me. "Do they hate me?"

Her shock is clear as she presses a hand to her chest and her reply comes quickly. "No, no. Of course not. We're just...scared. There is no one we can tell about this."

I whimper slightly, a noise that I had never expected myself to make. "I'm scared"

Mirabel pulls me up, resting my head against her and begins stroking my hair. "I know. Any of us would be but it'll be ok. We will make it ok." I feel feeble in this moment, like a small child that doesn't know any better so accepts what they are told as the truth. But it isn't, is it? I know that it will not be ok because Ash did this to me and he is the only one who knows how to make it go away. But Ash isn't here and he has no idea where I am or even where here is. He will never get here because without me he...Ash is going to die.

The realisation hits me like a punch. I hadn't thought about him, I hadn't thought that without me he would die. If Ash dies there really is no hope of fixing me. I will be like this forever, murderous, unnatural, scared to be.

Mirabel lays me back down and leaves, saying that they are only allowed five minutes with me at a time. Why? Who is enforcing these rules? I couldn't find out even if I wanted to, lack of food seems to sap everything out of me.

Day turns to night, which swiftly turns back to day and then night again. Each passing hour it gets harder for me to do anything, to even keep my eyes open. They all take turns occupying me, talking to me, reading, playing music. But non of it heightens my mood. If anything it makes me angry, which, when swirled with hunger, depression and longing, creates a bitter version of me that grows to hate Bade, the leader of their plan, with such force that at times it wouldn't bother me if he were my next meal.

All of those emotions bubble to the surface when Bade comes to tell Mac that his time is up. Bade becomes the only thing I see in that squashed room, besides the hunger. I scream, putting all the force I have into the long pained noise that I had been holding back for days. Immediately Bade rushes to my side, trying to see what the problem is.

I grab at his shirt, pulling him closer to me and speaking in hushed tones that gradually rise to a shout. "You did this to me. You're the one that's killing me. You're the one that will have my blood on his hands because you did this! And I hate you for it! I hate you! I HATE YOU BADE! I HATE YOU!"

He backs away from me slowly and I easily slide into exhausted unconsciousness.