All The Love, H (H.S.)

ten

Olivia,

The first six months were the hardest. Being without you was like having a piece of me torn away. I didn't know how to function, and I most certainly didn't know how to fill the void that was ever present in my heart.

I devoted myself to my work. I picked up extra shifts at the hospital. I worked on research and grant proposals in my spare time. And for the longest time, that's all I did. Because I was heartbroken and remorseful and felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. And I had. Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life.

Eventually, I chose to find an alternate form of a coping mechanism for what I was missing. I blame it on Niall's bad influence, as I went from having absolutely no social life to being hammered on the weekends.

The first time it happened was a blur. Niall directed me towards a cute girl at the bar, we danced, and then I woke up with a head of chocolate brown hair next to me in the morning. It was like it had been so many mornings before, except this time- that chocolate brown hair did not belong to you.

At first I was angry at myself. I was hurt that I could possibly think about being with someone else. I couldn't have my heart broken again, and I certainly didn't believe I would be capable of loving another person. Not in the way that I loved you.

But when it happened a second time I realized that this was exactly what the doctor ordered. I felt wanted again. I felt needed. And I felt that maybe for once I wasn't so lonely. It was the perfect remedy really. No strings attached, no numbers exchanged, a simple one-night stand that gave me that feeling of numbness without any of the consequences of falling in love.

I knew you wouldn't approve of this. This wasn't the Harry that you had fallen in love with. This wasn't the Harry that you knew. And I think that is what made it even more satisfying. Knowing how angry this would have made you if you knew about it. How disappointed you would be. It was my revenge on you for breaking my heart. And it felt good.

I typically avoided coffee shops after our breakup. Coffee shops had always been your place of refuge. A place were you could write for hours as if inspiration wafted through the air alongside the coffee aroma. We'd spent many Sunday afternoons in coffee shops around New York City, and so I guess I avoided them because they reminded me of you. They reminded me of us.

When our new Emergency Medicine physician suggested we meet at the Aroma coffee shop to get to know each other before he started, I couldn't exactly say no. I wanted to suggest something else- a sports bar, a nice café, but I obliged. It had been nearly a year since we had last been in contact, and I figured eventually, I was going to have to confront the ghosts lingering in my closet, or in this case in coffee shops.

"Dr. Tomlinson, it is so nice to meet you," I offered a firm handshake to my new colleague as he took a seat at the table across from me.

"You as well, Dr. Styles," he replied. We soon fell into a pleasant conversation about the hospital, medical school and Dr. Tomlinson's previous job at Mayo. It was nice to have a chat with someone new, and I was thankful that I had chosen to come to this coffee shop after all, the dark roast was absolutely delicious.

"Grande Sugar-free Vanilla latte, half almond milk half-skim with 3 shots of expresso, and 2 pumps of caramel, lightly steamed," the barista announced. I'd barely have even heard it if it wasn't for the my stopping my conversation to take a sip of my own steaming beverage.

But that coffee order. I'd only ever heard one person with as complex a coffee order as that. And that was you. And I knew that when I turned around in my chair to look towards the counter, I would most certainly catch sight of you. I was right.