《The Opposite Of Writers Block》

Par For The Course

Love, for me, is impossible. School relationships are lame anyway, and many people feel hopeless in the endless sea of couples at a high school, but no one talks about it. You sit and you sulk, you bottle up your emotions, you want anything close to love: lust, care, kindness...

You break. I've been broken. I've loved girls. I've loved boys. I've kissed girls. I've kissed boys. I've kissed every identity in between. And yet I break. And I crumble.

Feeling hopeless in high school is par for the course, but no matter how many times I've been reminded of it, it still bothers me. I want to be kissed, to be held. I want to be loved back.

I sit in my little room, barely big enough for my bed, and I listen to love songs. I beg for love. And afterwards, I break. I feel healthy and recovered. I choose to love myself, I pretend to love myself.

But pretending makes you sad. Being sad makes you lonely. And being lonely makes you beg for love.

Why does it always come to this?

--------------------

Why does my life have to revolve around her?

Her, my first love, if you could call it that, if you could call any of this love.

She's all I have, all I hold. I have no qualities worthy of her, her beauty, her happiness, her laugh, dear god her laugh..

She's taken. She's not mine. Then again, she never was mine anyway. And now we're friends. Sort of.

Every time I see her, I want to hug her, hold her, look into her eyes and never look away. I want to have her and never have to worry about it being any other way. I want to kiss her, to talk to her, to say to her exactly how beautiful she is and exactly how perfect she is, how perfect she makes me feel. I want her more than I've wanted anything.

But I'm hopeless.

I know in high school, hopelessness is par for the course. I know. I understand. But why? Who made up that stupid rule? And why, why..

Why does it have to hurt so bad?