My Alter Identities and Other Traumas

2.

   I ate some breakfast, then dressed up and left to get coffee with my dad.
As I was walking down the street, I took big steps and I was leaping. That was Max's doing. He always loved to walk like this. Imagine seeing a 16-year-old girl, with make up and all that teenage stuff, jumping like a little kid. I try to stop it, but I can't.
The problem about DID is that I can't stop the alters from switching at random moments and I can't become the host when needed. They play my mind after their wishes and some times the host hides, leaving me battling between identities.
The host took over when I reached the coffee shop. It was 11:02. Dad and Nate were sitting at a table.
"Please, Zedd, stay where you are." I told my alter, in my mind, then touched my left hand. That was his lair.
Every single alter has its own place. Zedd is my left hand, Max is the right one. The host, Zena, is in my chest. My very own soul. Emma is my belly.
I walk towards their table.
"Hello guys." I say, then kiss my dad on the cheek. "Hi Nate" I nod and shake his hand. I sense a disgusted smile forming on my lips. Zedd is here. I quickly sit down, before Zedd starts to say trash to my dad's husband.
   "I am going now, Dan. Meet you at the car at 12. Nice seeing you, Zena." Nate nods, then hurries to the exit door. I am so glad they didn't kiss or hugg. Zedd would've exploded.
   "So.. how are you?" Dad starts the conversation.
   "I'm fine. I think. Taking my pills, living my life, hating my alters.." I resume my summer break to dad. The same every summer. Every break. Every day, really.
   "So... nothing new? Boys? How are you with boys? I know it is that time of your life." Dad says, giving me the "be careful" look. He also adds in a smirk to make it less terrible.
   "Well, if Max decides to talk to a boy, then I swear I am going to kill myself." I say, then laugh and add "There is a cute boy that lives a few streets away from Anne. He is quite new in town. But I don't think my alters will let me date someone." I tell dad, while thinking of the possibility of actually being in love. Or dating.
   "It is ok, Zena. You are the host. You are going to date that guy. Not your disorder." he says, looking into my eyes, his voice a serious one.
"Yeah.." I murmur under my breath.
Until last year I had never thought about dating someone. About having a boyfriend. With my anxiety and all of my alters, it would be hard for the poor boy , but pure torture for me.
   I told dad that I had my eyes on Ben. The boy that lives in my neighborhood. He is cute, tall, handsome and also hard working.  I hang out with him sometimes, but there is also the whole squad there. Meaning me, Anne and a few other friends of ours that I don't care to mention. But there are very few. And they didn't make it to my best friends circle.
   One time I went to buy groceries for me and my aunt and I met with Ben in the store.  We made our shopping together and talked about a lot of things. He is very smart. Thus why he is not in my pathetic school.
    "Dad?" I say, taking a sip of my Pumpkin Spice Latte, and looking up. "I know it sound odd, but... have you heard anything from mom?" I ask, knowing what his answer would be.
   "No.. I am sorry, Zena.." he pauses, then remembers something. "She went missing around an year ago.. is that why you asked?" he wandered.
   "Exactly. I thought she would give us a sign after one whole year..." I say, then hug the cup with my hands, laying my chin on the lid.
We spent a whole hour talking about life and other stuff. He decided to end my contract with my therapist because he wasn't any good. I could handle a few people living in my brain, because I was old enough. He also thought of getting rid of my pills, since I had no physical problem. Only my mental health was a bit crooked. But dad didn't make any clear statement about my medicine so I still needed to take it.

   When I left the coffee shop, having done my meeting with dad, I took the long way home. I needed to clear my thoughts, before the first day of school. Emma was kind enough to remind me to avoid the mean girls. I was hoping Max would leave me alone, at least for tomorrow, so I asked him to. He agreed because he never really liked school. Zedd was very worried about my gay school mates. There were very few and most of them were bi, but he was still stressed out.
   After I've calmed down all of my alters, I tried to take care of the host. Of Zena. Take care of me.
   I walked over the low hill in our town, then entered Ben's street. The lights were off, so he wasn't home.  I hoped to spend more time with him this autumn or maybe next year. I was thinking about having a beautiful friendship, if dating wasn't our thing.
   I was trying to make up some goals for this school year. I wanted to do so many things but I wasn't ready enough because of my anxiety. I decided that I would not let my disorders get in the way of my dream life.
   I passed by Anne's house and said hi to her father. My friend had gone shopping with her mom.
   I eventually reached my house and stopped on the front porch. Aunt had some really nice flowers that only blossom when fall comes. They were very beautiful and just had to take a picture of them. These were the flowers that I wanted for my wedding.