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⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
Mentions suicide and other triggering material
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It was a day like any other at Starship Entertainment. I had gotten up, been tackled by Minhyuk, eaten, practiced, and now it was time for lunch.
I ordered pizza and was waiting in the dorm. I had practiced too hard to go out for lunch with the other members, and so there I was when I was scrolling through my phone when I got the text. It was my mom.
8/31/18
Mom: He's done it Jooheon. Your brother, he's dead.
I didn’t know what to do. Tears stung at my eyes and I chocked out a small sob before becoming stone-cold emotionless. I aggressively wiped off the single tear on my cheek with my coiled up fist. I guess I was angry. But at that moment I was numb. My brother had been hospitalized for suicide attempts several times. This time he did it. And I was thinking of doing it too. Just before I had the chance to lift the blade that I had somehow picked up, the doorbell rang. It was the pizza guy. I had totally forgotten about the pizza order! I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. Yup. Stone cold. I slightly opened the door with my other hand full of cash only to be tacked and pulled into an embrace. It was Minhyuk. The pizza box was outside the door on the ground. He was giggling.
“I thought you would be lonely here by yourself so I decided to leave the other members and come eat with you here! Then I saw the pizza guy outside and decided to pay and give you the pizza myself!”
He was still squeezing me tightly. One of my arms was still outright with the money and the other still had the blade. Minhyuk slowly let go. He grabbed my upper arms and looked at me straight on in the eyes.
“Joohoney, What’s wrong? Did you not want me? I can go back..” his voice choked and his eyes were getting teary. He was still oblivious to what was in my other hand.
“No no, Minhyuk” I started, bringing up my hand to take his hand off my arm and hold it so that he wouldn’t cry. But he looked at the blade that I had forgotten about.
“Jooheon!!” He yelled and forcefully ripped the blade out of my hand. “What were you going to do?!? Jooheon?” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what I was going to have done but I know that it would’ve been bad and that if I told that to Minhyuk he would loose it. “Jooheon, what’s going on?” He Asked desperately as my face was still emotionless. My eyes were diverted to his curled up fist that began dripping blood. I brought up my hands to try to uncurl his fist but he pulled away. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and his fists got tighter. “I’m not giving this back to you.” He said.
I went around him and picked up the pizza box. I walked back to the couch and sat down. I opened the box but I had lost my appetite. I didn’t know what to say to Minhyuk. And I didn’t know what to do. I turned on the TV and just sat there. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t feeling, but I didn’t want Minhyuk to see me like this. I didn’t know what to do though, so I just mindlessly stared at the TV. After a while Minhyuk came and sat down next to me. He was watching me the whole time. Neither of us said anything. Not too long later he fell asleep, still harshly gripping the blade. I picked him up and brought him to the bathroom and uncoiled his hand. I put the bloody blade into my pocket and washed his hand in the sink. I then brought him to his bed and tucked him in. He looked like he had just lost everything. I got in bed too but gave him lots of space.
