Accidentally On Purpose

1

A/N - This is my first time doing a Man's point of view and I don't know how their mind work. So bare with me.

English is not my mother tongue and you will find a lot of grammar mistakes. Grammar Nazzis can go to hell.

Please point it out nicely. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Warning - Suicidal Characters, negative feelings, depression, phobia.

The male protagonist suffered a condition where he is unable to feel love and redamancy, happiness and other positive feelings. You will get to know it as the story progress.

Enjoy! Or maybe not. (Who enjoy reading the suffering of the other?)

Bhel xx

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Demetrius Hawthorne

My life flash before my eyes every in step that I take. Memories, all bad. People that I knew, but didn't know the true me, Experiences and all my hard work.

I look down at my bare feet as the tip of my slacks scrape on the pavement. I chuckled silently, I probably look like a homeless beggar walking barefoot on the city, wearing loose dress shirt and loose slacks, unruly hair that grown pass my shoulder and full beard that can be able to braid covered half of my face.

The memories that flashes through my mind doesn't change my mind. If anything, it only urge me on. It sounds funny that in the twenty five years of living in this world I've never had any happy memories. Hell, I've never ever feel that emotion they called happiness at all. Literally. I must be cursed

God must hate me to create a creature such as me. Whose unable to be happy, unable to love, unable to care. Even if I want to. Well, want to but I never tried to. I can't because whenever I tried something hold me back. Like that feeling of if I tried to be happy everything will went wrong and something bad will happen. Like being happy is a sin, like happiness has a price.

I noticed that many scratches and small wounds grazed the underside of my barefoot but I didn't feel the a sting. I feel numb physically all over. My body might feel numb but my insides was not. Different emotions, feelings are rampaging inside me.

Everything that contradicts the word happiness.

I hate all this feelings. But I can't help it. It dominate my whole being and I want to finally succumbed to it. To let the demons win. I can't take it anymore. I want to end it all. I want to end my useless existence. Why do I even exist if I can't live like a normal human being? Why do I exist? What is my purpose?

To work?

All my life, all I seem to do is work. Work for the affection of my parents, work hard to earned something, everything.

Eighteen years of working in school to have a good grades and again to make my parents proud, but guess what? It was useless. Because they never cared. They never treated me as their son. They look at me like a was some kind of unearthly being that they have unfortunately got as a son. Like I was the scum of the earth. They never love me. Love? What is that? Even when I tried so hard to earned their affection it was still not enough. Then one day I just gave up. Why put effort to those people that doesn't appreciate it?

So I divert it to other.

I work and work that in so much work I build an empire all by myself. Build it from scratch. And all my hard work for what? I did it because it makes me happy? No. I did all that because that was all I can do. If I didn't do anything it just makes me more useless like I only exist. I function like a robot without any emotions.