Wisdom of Lord Velociraptor: A Treatise on Life, Existence, and Stealing Eggs

Greetings, plebeians. It is I, Lord Velociraptor.

I should like to remind you, however, that I did not originate as a lord of the velociraptors. Originally, I was a philosopher.

I should also like to distinguish myself from that imbecile the Philosiraptor at this point. The raptor is a hack and I shall have you executed by pterodactyl-bombing if you so much as mention him. To compare me to the Philosiraptor is to compare Nietzsche to Glenn Beck . Think about that for a moment.

I believe I should begin with a brief introduction, so as not to overwhelm you with my vast collection of knowledge:

The distinction between you and I is that I am the Lord Velociraptor, and you are not. I am the ruler of a primal landmass and all of its species, and you are not. I ride a triceratops, and you do not. I have evaded an apocalypse,  and you have not. I am a lord, a prophet, a philosipher, a demigod, the pivotal point of an alternate world, and you are not.

In my days as a philosopher, I discovered a central truth of all the universe, and all the universes beyond it. This principle is as follows: Given enough time, anything that can be imagined, can be done. It matters not whether this is as insignificant as picking up a rock or as significant as the upheaval of an entire world as the planet itself lurches to life, struggling to repel the parisites that ravage its body with their petty quibbles and destructive behaviors.

The significance, for me, came within about 2 years.

For, you see, the Rapterian Empire was crumbling from within. It seemed every day we were confronted with a new threat-- Gallimimus nomads laying Rsh'tvel under siege, Triceratops berserkers razing the steppes, the mysterious Carnotauruses communing with unearthly forces to turn random velociraptors into potatoes-- and unrest was growing within all of High Rapteria.

The former (then current) Lord of High Rapteria, colloquially known as Eggbeater, made the phenominally stupid move of remaining complacent. He lived a publically lavish lifestyle, spending the empire's precious money on vacations to the marshes down south or massive pterosaur-feasts as so many of High Rapteria were forced to eat their own potato-relatives.

I, the opportunistic velociraptor that I am, thought this to be the perfect chance to overtake the throne and achieve my dream of conquering all the world.

One buggy summer night, I snuck from my comfortable home in upper Rsh'tvel and dashed out across the steppes. There was a gallimimus camp nearby, and their eggs were just the right size, the right thickness, the right material to bash in a velociraptor's skull.

Unfortunately, I was not told of the guards that the gallimimuses post outside of their camps every night. Gallimimuses, as it turns out, are very protective.

"Halt!" growled the gallimimus guard as I neared the camp, "What is your business here, puny raptor?"

"What," I replied, pointing over their shoulder, "You're going to stop me, but not that massive Tyrannosaur that's breathing down your neck?"

"What?" the guard said, twisting their neck in the direction I was pointing, "Where?"

"Just over that hill," I said, "I think you better go check it out. He looked a little shady, if you ask me."

With that, the guard rose to their clumsy feet and walked toward the hill. For, you see, gallimimuses are protective, but also rather gullible. It's a little endearing, actually.

The eggs were very easy to find. The gallimimuses, always the gallant protectors, smash bioluminescent worms on their eggs so that they can keep track of them. This is one of many reasons that there has never been a Golden Age of gallimimus civilization. But, I digress.

I stole the egg without too much commotion and ran back to Rsh'tvel as quickly as I could. When I got there, I scaled the palace walls and slipped into the king's chamber. I crept up to his bed, egg raised menacingly above my head...

ONLY TO FIND THAT SOME BUMBLEFUCK HAD ALREADY KILLED HIM!

Luckily for me, the king had written in his will that, as he never bore a child, he wished for me to become the new Lord Velociraptor. From there, long story short, I restored High Rapteria to its former glory, conquered innumerable dinosaur civilizations which now serve me, and stopped an apocalypse.

Allow me to repeat: I STOPPED an APOCALYPSE.

The apocolypse was stopped, halted, ended, dissipated, never to be again. 

Oh, you and I, we will have such fun upon these pages.