Keith Kogane-VLD (Voltron Legendary Defender) one shots, shorts

Chapter 49-It's me.

A/N: Keith is having an depression episode. Mentions self harm.
*Klance*

Everything was fine, it was cool. He was doing better then just out of nowhere, Keith is hit with a strong feeling of being off. It's his first sign that an depression episode is coming. 

Keith kept walking beside Lance. He was quite and was so ready to get out of here. After awhile, Lance began to notice how Keith was acting, he was walking slow, scanning the room and seemed to be on edge.

"What's wrong?" questioned Lance. Keith just glanced over at him and shook his head. A part of Keith knew that Lance hated that, hated how he was acting, hated him because he was so messed up.

Minutes went by as they continued to walk through the grocery store before anything else was said to each other. Keith walked slower behind Lance. He could hear Lance's voice, make out the words but for some reason his mind didn't care, didn't care to think, listen or respond. So Lance continued forwards with the shopping. They went down an isle and Lance asked Keith if he wanted his oatmeal that he liked. 

"No" was all Keith could get out. Did he want it, yeah. But his mind was telling him no, that he didn't need it, that he was too fat for eating that and they didn't have enough money to waste upon him. So, Keith said no and stayed even more quite. They continued to shop and throughout the whole store, Keith didn't pick a single item for himself. His mind was telling him that it was more important that Lance had the food. He couldn't pin point why his mind was telling him that but somewhere deep inside he already knew the answer. 

Lance was more important than he was.

"Why is your anxiety acting up? Why are you anxious?'' asked Lance. 

"It's not" said Keith and that was the truth. His anxiety wasn't the issue, it was his depression and he so badly wanted to shake this feeling that had suddenly washed over him.

"Are you low?" Lance questioned and there it was. For the person he loved never understood or got the full meaning when he tried to explain his depression, so it ended up just coming down to the word: low.

Keith began to hate this word, hate this very question. He wasn't low, he felt disconnected from his body, his mind fuzzy and the hunger to want to disappear. Sadness was a part of it yeah, which translated to low for Lance but it was so much more than that.

Keith nodded his head and glanced at Lance for a second, to see if the next part he hated was coming.

"Why? You were doing so good" said Lance.

And there is was. 

Why?

God, Keith only wish he had an answer for why he was like this, why it just suddenly came down upon him, but there was no answer to give because Keith didn't know why. He was doing good, yes, but these things just happen and for Lance to say that he was doing good implied to him that Lance assumed that he was better. But the thing was, he was never going to be better. Some days would be easier than others, some will be so hard that he just wants to hide away in his bed, others will have his mind screaming at him how worthless he is, that nobody cares and he'll want to cut to block out all the emotions he was drowning in. He would become so numb that he couldn't feel a single thing, and cutting it added pain, it added the feeling of something for him. It wasn't the blood, the pain or the marks that it left, he liked, it was the feeling that washed over him, it set him at peace for a few moments. It gave his messed up and broken mind a moment to escape, a moment to focus on it and nothing at the same time.

Within the question of why laid the truth: what the hell is wrong with you? 

Keith knew this, for he has wondered the very same thing. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he this way? Why couldn't he just be normal? Why can't he be happy?

So, usually Keith either said yes to Lance's question or didn't respond because what could he truly say? He has laid it all out for Lance and yet it still hasn't clicked. Maybe Keith thinks, it is because they don't experience it, so they can't fully understand what it is that he is going through.

And then the other part of this comes forward. The part where Lance will say that he has been depressed and he just knows how to get over it. That Keith can't fully understand all he has been through, all he has done. But Keith does know! 
Deep down he does, he has seen everything. And when Lance implies that he has been depressed, that's not the truth. He has been sad. Because if he had experience depression it simply wouldn't go away. It was a mental illness that Keith had to live with for everyday of his life until his last breath. Keith feels like screaming, feels like crying out to Lance, the person he loves. For all the pain and struggles he has to see the person he love go through, it weighs down upon him. He begins to think that it is all his fault. If he wasn't in Lance's life would all this be happening to him? Would Lance struggle for money all the time? Would he have a better job if it wasn't for him? Was him being here messing everything up? Was he hurting the one he loved more than he ever realized. And he knows Lance would say it isn't his fault at all, that he loves him. But Keith's heart hurts for all he can feel is a stabbing pain. That all of this is his fault, he has ruined Lance's life, his happiness, his everything.

Keith just wanted to crumble onto the floor. Fold in on himself and hide away from it all, from all the pain and suffering he has caused and what he was going through right now but he couldn't do that. He had to wait til he was in his bedroom, safe and alone to truly fall apart.

In his head, the question bounces around. 
What the hell is wrong with you?

And sure enough his mind yells it to him, making him feel worst.
Too much. Too much is wrong with me and that's the problem isn't? Too much is wrong with me and there isn't anything Lance can do about that. He can't change it, can't fix me. I can't just return to the person I used to be before all of this. That person is gone, he died along time ago. This illness was apart of me.
It became me. 
I became it.

The shopping came to an end, and Keith was glad. He couldn't be happy about it because he was slipping down into the pit of numbness. He couldn't feel happiness, all he could feel was an emptiness, a whole where his happiness used to be. He was slowly being hollowed out, he felt as he wasn't connected to his body anymore. He was there but he wasn't because he couldn't feel anything and his mind was a confusing mess. He knew that he was breathing, was walking but every movement didn't leave an effect on him. He couldn't feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed. Everything was heavy and nothing at the very same time.

He had become his illnesses. They were as much a part of him as he was to them.

He is depression.

He is anxiety.

He is suicidal.

He is messed up.

And with all of this, how could someone he love understand and feel that. How could they be here but be so off in the distance at the same time?