I don't understand you anymore...

The First Message

This was the first message I received. the beginning. 

Author's note: The messages have been adapted. They are not the REAL messages.

After School in 2015:

Poppy: Hello Livi 

Livi: Hi

Poppy: How are you?

Livi: I feel like everytime that i speak to you, that you are always talking about you and how you feel. I help you and you don't listen to me. I help your friends and they won't help themselves. You talk about Joshua all the time and you knew I liked him.  You are mentally draining me and making physically unwell. 

Poppy: What? 

Livi: You know what I am talking about Poppy, don't pretend that you don't know.

Poppy: I don't talk about myself all the time, I like talking to you about things because I trust you.  I can't make them listen to you. I didn't know you liked him. 

Livi: You never listen to me. I'll talk to you in the morning bye.

I sat there looking at what she sent, stunned and hurt. Had I really been like this to her? 

Am I actually making her unwell?

Tears dripped down my face, I held my breathe like I did when I was child  until my chest hurt and when eventually, I could no longer hold my breathe. I sobbed and I sobbed, I felt this  terrible pain in the pit of chest begin to bubble up. I felt so guilty. Had actually been so self centred that I didn't realise how I was affecting my own best friend? I cried so hard, I had school the next day and I would see joshua. Joshua was my best friend and someone that I had a crush on, he would listen to me about things like this. I sniffed a little and slowly fell asleep.

BEEPP BEEP! 

my phone was going off, it was 6am the next day. I had to get ready for school.

Livi: All you do is talk about boys, you forget that I like joshua and you just carry  on! You don't care! You are so immature! You are just selfish Poppy. You should know that. 

I didn't respond to it. I felt this cold feeling on back and felt  fear rise inside me. This was the end of our friendship. I didn't want to lose Livi.

I screen shotted, the first message and the second but deleted the rest of it. I wanted to show someone because I could not bear the thought of just keeping it to myself. I got dressed, as I usually did and didn't put on any make up. I was shaking so much, I could barely put my own clothes on.  I felt this sense of dread and guilt.  I didn't know how to respond to Livi. I'd never really seen this side of her. 

Amy was sat in her favourite spot when i arrived at school that day, she was smiling and drinking some orange juice that she had brought in. I had always thought of her as friend ever since we had art class together and we used to talk all the time.   I trusted her enough to show her what Livi had said  to me.

" Amy can I talk to you about something"  I said sadly

" Pops whats up?" she asked tentatively  as my face dropped and shakily got out my phone.

I showed her the messages and explained that I felt guilty and selfish.  I explained that I did rely on her a lot and that I had probably caused her to react like this. I was trying my hardest not to cry, I did not want to draw attention to myself and felt the pain just circulate inside me. I felt this darkness filled the  inside of my head and clouded what I once thought was the real and what wasn't.