Random poem i just decided to write

Wishing

I look to the skies
Wishing I could see the stars again
I look to my mother
Wishing she could be like she was when I was little
I look to my father
Wishing he still loved my mother
I look to fiction
Wishing it could take me away
I look to music
Knowing it can
For just a few hours
Until the cold
Harsh
Lights
Of reality
Hit me again
And I am lost
I am lost in my wanting to be found
I am lost in my self loathing
I am lost in the darkness I see when I close my eyes
I am lost in my wanting to help others
Not realizing
That by taking the pain
Of everyone else
I am adding to my own
Because as much as I try to convince myself
That I love myself
I don't care about myself
Not even enough to find myself
So I push myself
To the point of breaking
To make even one person smile
To feel like I'm not useless
And just one smile
Can make me feel better
Because I know
That I just made someone happier
Which means
That I have worth
Now
If only I could really believe that
If only I could make myself smile