Fallen [Dean Winchester FanFiction]

XVIII

Twenty-Eight

It was past eight o'clock in the morning when Dean finally made it home. Without even realizing it he'd driven eighty miles out of Kansas last night and ended up in Grand Island, Nebraska. The ride back to the bunker had been relatively quicker. He was sure he'd broken the speed limit laws at least three times. Thankfully he made it in one peace although still hungover from the night before.

Parking the Impala in its designated place in the garage, Dean shut off the engine and sat in silence. He stared out of the windshield, trying to formulate the courage to leave his car to go find Alaine. He couldn't see any chance of things going back to how they used to be after last night and that scared him. The idea of Alaine walking away, of her wanting nothing to do with him terrified him to the point he thought of not telling her anything at all. However, Dean knew better than that. He didn't want to lie to her. He wasn't that type of person. Even if it meant having to let her go, he'd say the truth and face the consequences.

A small tap to his window startled him out of his thoughts. Snapping his gaze away from the windshield, Dean looked outside to find Carter standing by his car with the keys to his Harley dangling from one hand. Slowly, the hunter slipped out of the Impala, slamming the door shut and turning to face the man.

"I was a minute away from hopping on my bike to go find you."

"Sorry. I lost track of time last night."

Carter eyed him, almost knowingly. "It happens. You feelin' alright?"

"I'm fine. Just got a bad headache is all."

"I'm sure. I can smell the whiskey on you; shit is seeping right out of your pores. How much'd you drink?"

A look flashed across Dean's eyes. He clenched his jaw. "Too much."

"I see." Carter paused to blow out a sigh. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, eyes regarding the elder Winchester empathetically. "You know, a man's smart enough to tell when another man's done somethin' he ain't proud of. By that look on your face I'd say you got more than drunk last night. But I ain't here to judge you, just tryin' to let you know I understand."

Dean remained silent. With a small smile, Carter then turned to leave the garage. "Get yourself settled in. I'll go tell her you're back."

He wasn't sure what to do or where to go. Eventually his feet carried him through the halls toward the library where he dropped down into a chair. There he sat, dwelling in his own misery, subjected to the thoughts running rampant through his mind.

There was just no liable excuse for what he'd done. He'd been unfaithful and the self-hatred seethed in his veins. He allowed himself to be manipulated by his emotions, to be deceived. His own lack of self-worth had brainwashed him into believing he wasn't deserving of someone like Alaine; that he was unworthy to be loved. When he thought about it now, he still felt the same however he'd come to realize that there was no one out there capable of loving her the way he did. How could they when he was the only who knew her, inside and out?

He just couldn't live without her. Not again anyway. He'd spent so many years longing after her, wishing deep down to one day see her again. Now they were together and like the idiot he was, he let his clouded judgment ruin the only good thing he had going in his life. All because of his own insecurities. Because he wasn't worthy. He needed a way to fix this. Regardless of what he felt, Dean refused to let her slip through his fingers a second time. After all they'd been through, all the memories; after realizing she was the love of his life, there was no way in hell he was going to lose her again.

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps reached him where he sat. They were soft and had stopped by the entranceway of the library. He then felt the familiarity tingle down his spine, and his chest tightened when she called his name.