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part 4 - only you

IV

Final exams consumed me for the next week and a half and then came the two week holiday break. I didn't speak to Lauren during that time but we did text some, mostly just light banter about having to spend Christmas with our families. On New Year's Eve I started to text "miss u" but deleted it without sending. I did miss her and I wanted more than anything to be with her but her words still rang in my head: I can't have a girlfriend.

After almost three months of knowing her, I still didn't know the reason behind her declaration. I was afraid that if I brought it up it might make her angry or scare her away. What I had with Lauren was still a relationship, albeit a twisted one, one I didn't want to risk by being overly forward or presumptuous.

Still, I couldn't stop thinking of her, wondering what she was doing right at that moment and practically pouncing on my phone every time a new text came in, hoping it was her and being crushed when it wasn't. I spent the holidays quieter than usual, even with a house full of relatives. In my mind I was constantly replaying our last time together and the more I dwelled on it the more uncertain I became.

Was it a dream or did Lauren really have sex with me, however briefly? There was an unnatural clarity to all of the sights and sounds and sensations, almost as if they had been amplified. I couldn't trust my memories as my psyche had been significantly bruised earlier that evening by my panic attack. The sequence of events was disjointed in places the way dreams are but I could still feel clearly the way her cunt had enveloped my cock and the beautiful friction when she rode me. The intervening weeks had done nothing make it fade the way dreams do.

The unceasing obsessing took a toll on me and my thoughts started spiraling uncontrollably. I became desperate enough to take my anti-anxiety pills out of the medicine cabinet and hold the bottle in my hand for close to an hour, staring at it. I hated those pills as they made me see the world through a sort of veil and I always had the distinct feeling I was missing something. I never felt like I was all there when I was on my meds. What saved me in the end was I thought of Lauren's eyes and a calming peace came over me. The pressure slowly lifted off my chest and I put the bottle back without taking one pill.

I finally received a short text from her just after midnight: Happy fucking new year. Short and to the point, just like Lauren.

On my second night back at school I was working the graveyard shift at the computer lab and since classes didn't start until the next day I was the only one working. I surfed the web aimlessly, trying to ward off sleep. It was after two in the morning when Lauren came in wearing a leather miniskirt and matching leather jacket. Fishnet stockings, black fingernail polish, heavy eyeliner and bright red lipstick completed her outfit. Whenever she moved a dozen zippers on her jacket jangled softly.

"I'd like to apply for a job," she said as she leaned over the counter. I smiled at her and handed her the form which she filled out in a matter of seconds. "How about an interview?" she asked as she gave back the application.

I shook my head. "Can't. I'm the only one working and I have to stay at the desk. You'll have to come back some other time."

"Ok then, let me back there, I want to sit with you."

"Sorry, you know the rules."

"Come on, there's only one fucking' guy here. Who's he going to tell? Let me back there and you can pretend to be training me on how to turn on a computer or something." I frowned at her, trying to think of a good reason not to. Lauren shrugged, sat up on the counter, swung her legs over and hopped down into the workstation before I could stop her. I shot a glance at the student sitting at the far side of the room but he hadn't noticed.