With You... Always

Sunday

Waking up not next to Emma was the worst feeling but I had to prepare for more horrible feelings. I was meeting up with Robin today. I felt bad and terrible, I had to tell him. So I got ready, I tried to hold back my tears so I could put on makeup, it was a routine at this point when I went out with Robin. Not even getting ready was fun but a torture.
         The phone rang,I thought for a beautifully short millisecond that it could be my everything and my whole world named Emma but then I looked at the name yelling back at me, it read Robin. The illusion left even more after he yelled "ARE YOU READY!?" He sounded drunk, how could he be drunk right now, I get it afterwards but right now. How am I supposed to tell him that I'm bisexual if he is drunk?
Oh well he might not be, maybe he just sounds like it.
          "I'm ready, I'll be down in 2 minutes", I took the elevator and went down, then I saw him. I had a weird vision of 5 years ago when we first started dating and he stood outside my house looking so good and sweet to pick me up and go to the movies or the mall, and we both thought or at least I thought I would live a great life with him. But today he looked drunk, tired, and possessive. I approached him, he just walked me to his car, didn't say anything and surprisingly it didn't smell like beer, so he wasn't drunk. After a long and quiet ride he said "Okay, so this is the restaurant" those were the first words I heard in person from him in almost a week it made me think how much I didn't miss it and I didn't need it. He parked outside of a fancy restaurant and I we got out of the car, we took our reserved seats and started eating, it was like a set up dinner, everything was so fancy, I thought about coming here with Emma and maybe asking her for her hand.
         "So you like it?" He said it with a full mouth "This is why you study science not art, you get a lot of money, only stupid people would go that route" I remembered him saying in high school that he was into art, he was an "artist". He only said that to seduce me into something with him probably, he never got it though, only Emma will. I remember lying on top of him  in his bed with clothes on obviously, and I felt wanted, desired. I was also very immature. He didn't really say a lot of nice things, but he wanted me and I felt accepted I guess, I also felt like hiding my sexuality.
"Yeah sure" I said timidly
"Well I have a question for you I'm shooting this!" He said with a weird tone. He got on two knees and got out a ring, everyone at the restaurant was watching us and smiling. Oh shit, I though it was going to be hard, is he really that drunk. "Do you want to marry me?, The greatest of all man" he not only sounded cocky but drunk. I heard from far away someone murmur "Aww maybe that's how she calls him that's so cute" they didn't know my history with him, they didn't know all of the nice moments that I had shared with the one whom I truly loved and was still madly, deeply in love. My eyes watered and maybe people thought they were happy tears but in them I was getting out all my pain and I was crying even more because I missed Emma. "So?" He asked but I ran before I could even answer. I went outside, it was raining and was running in heels. I took them off and ran even more until I was lost, I had my phone, I could call Emma, but who would go to dentist and run errands dressed like this, I wanted to be ate by the world right now. I also had money, I took a taxi and then while I was there I realized that if I walked in looking like this and Emma was in my apartment because I recently gave her a copy of the keys, I would of shown my disaster of life. I didn't want her to suffer, and think that while our bodies were intertwined I was cheating and wasn't only hers but someone else's. I felt bad, I wanted to tell her but resisted myself and went to a Walmart and got new clothes then called another taxi. I realized in all of this that they were not the same clothes I had walked out of the house with, they were in Robin's car. Another problem. They kept piling up. She probably wasn't going to notice but I still let my mind worry me about it.
By the time I got to the apartment I felt even more nervous. I tried to fake a smile, I was a professional at it since I almost did it everyday. I opened the door and a beautiful smell welcomed me into what it had seemed like chicken,beer, and heaven at the time. Emma showed up and smiled so beautifully that I forgot everything and just wanted to see that smile for the rest of my life. She hugged me. She was wearing her pajamas and mittens. I guess I looked at her up and down admiring her beauty because she said "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be this early!, I was going to change, and the food is not ready yet. "It's fine, I don't care what you wear. I love you anyway no matter what" I said smiling truthfully for the first time all day. "Aww, I love you too!, and I missed you" she came up and kissed my forehead. After a few minutes of talking about random stuff, and eating chicken , toxic thoughts infected my own head again. It was crazy how she would make me forget all the bad things.
"I'm tired, you wanna go to bed?" She asked while half yawning. I wanted to sleep too, but I had something to do. "No I'm going to go write a song, I have some new beats and probably finish some other songs I left off" I hated that my voice sounded so lifeless "But baby, it's 11:30pm and tomorrow is our first day at the institute"
She was right but I needed to do this "I know it's fine, you go ahead I'll join you in a bit plus I feel like practicing before tomorrow the guitar or something", I sounded tired, she looked awfully tired too but still cute. "Ok" she said with another sweet yawn.
She went to my bedroom and closed the door half way, perfect. Since it was my apartment I had my little studio that was sound proof there but I'd rather do this outside. I went to the balcony. My palms were sweating. I picked up the phone, went to contacts and pressed Robin. He wouldn't pick up, but I kept trying. Until..
"Where were you?!!?, what happened, you bitch I'm going to assassinate you!" I hung up the phone, I couldn't tell him. Or maybe I could I don't know, I didn't want to do it in person. I didn't want him to hurt me. And I didn't want to hurt Emma.