Untethered | ✏

4

The bird born in a cage thinks flying is an illness.

I was being eaten alive by the sealed letters, staring up at me from atop my desk. I could imagine opening them to find Evan's neat words scrawled across the pages. I could hear his voice in my ears, whispering to me to open them and hear what he had to say for once. If only I'd listened before, he wouldn't have done it.

"Thammy?" Maxy called, reaching out his arms for me to carry him. I felt a pang in my chest every time he called me that. It was a constant reminder of the sister I could never be. 

Samantha was the oldest Holden child. We were the same age, but were never all too close until we found out our parents had been secretly dating. She wasn't completely opposed to the idea at that time, but I knew with certainty that if she found out her father married the mother of her killer, she would never forgive him. I didn't entirely forgive him either. It just didn't make any sense to me, how he could want to have a constant reminder of his oldest daughter's death. 

Sam was going to be valedictorian that year. Everyone knew it. She'd won the national Spelling Bee the year before and her grades were always her second priority, her siblings being first. She was the epitome of responsibility- a role she had undertaken after the passing of her mother. She needed to be there for her family, and I respected her immensely for being so fiercely protective of the ones she loved. 

How could you take her away, Evan? What had she done to us? She would've been the perfect big sister  figure for both of us, even if we were the same age. How could you take her away from Izzy and Maxy?

Izzy knew what had happened to Sam, but it still hadn't hit her that she would never see her big sister again. She still hadn't considered the late night talks about boys, advice about friendship or help on homework that she'd need through the years. She was dealing with the loss better than Len, Mom and I, and that surprised all three of us immensely. Izzy might've been dramatic, but she had a streak of Samantha in her. She was incredibly mature, too.

To Max, I was the same as Samantha. We were about the same height, we both carried him when he asked, we both fed him when he wasn't behaving and we both cared for him like a big sister should. That was enough for him. 

He would never know about how much Sam adored biology, and how she wanted to become a doctor one day. He would never know that her eyes lit up whenever her dad told her to take care of him or how much she adored taking him to the park. He'd never know that he had a sister who took care of him ten times better than I did. 

Izzy knew, to some extent, about Sam's plans for the future. Although she never admitted it to anyone, I knew that that was the reason why she had bought the doctor's coat and play equipment. She wanted to carry on Sam's dream and keep her memory alive.

"Maxy?" I called softly, and he lifted his head up to look at me with those big brown eyes that he got from his father. He held his favorite toy truck firmly in his chubby hands, and his attention was solely focused on me. That was another thing he got from Sam- the curiosity. 

"Sammy loved drinking tea late in the night so that she could stay up late to study for tests," I said, smiling faintly at the memory of staying over at Sam's place one night to help her with a science fair project. We'd decided to team up as an excuse to go over to each other's houses and hunt for clues about our parents' secret relationship. 

That summer, the two of us had spotted them at several locations around town holding hands, laughing at each other's jokes and lying on each other's shoulders. If we'd witnessed all that coincidentally, just imagine how much we found out intentionally.

"She didn't believe in dating in high school, even though that's how your Mom and Dad met. She thought it was a waste of time and a risk of her getting knocked up before she could pursue her dreams." I didn't know who I was talking to anymore. It wasn't to you, for if it had been, my tone would've been far more bitter. It wasn't to Maxy either, as I was sane enough to know that he didn't understand a word I was saying. In a way, I felt like I was talking to Green.