Untethered | ✏

3

I never kept secrets.

I always, always spoke my mind, and that got me in trouble more often than not, but it proved to be worth it every time. Why go through the trouble of showing people your true self piece by piece when you could just be an open book?

I never kept secrets. 

I was proud of who I was. I had nothing to hide. When I fell in love for the first time, I walked straight up to the boy and told him. I had nothing to lose. Self respect? I had plenty. Confidence? Didn't need more. Love? I had you and that was always enough for me.

I never kept secrets. Until you sucked the life out of me.

You wrote me seven letters. You were allowed to write home once a week, and only one letter each time. You didn't write to anyone but me. And once you'd realised that I wasn't going to give you a reply, you stopped sending them to me.

I knew the letters weren't written to make me understand. They weren't written in order to blame the children who had died. They were apologies. Knowing you, that's all they were. Sorrowful, tear-stained, meaningless apologies. 

When Len's investigation crew had turned up at the house, looking for answers, I told them everything I knew. They interrogated me for weeks. But none of the information added up. I knew then that it was better that way. No one had a reason, so they could conjure whatever dark fantasies they wanted to put their minds at ease.

I hadn't opened the letters yet. I didn't want to hear from you. No amount of tragic words from your mouth could block out the screams I heard in my dreams every night. 

I especially didn't what to hear your reasons. What you'd done was beyond justification. I wanted nothing more than to block you out and forget you had ever existed. 

It was easier having one person to blame than seven, for what had happened that day.

. . .

"I didn't get the job,"Mom sighed, sinking onto the couch. Dad put his arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Did they at least let you stay for the whole interview this time?" I asked, walking into the living room. 

Mom shook her head. "Not even quite. The moment they realised I was-I was,"she took a staggering breath, looking like she was about to burst into tears. I put my hand over hers, praying I wouldn't cry too.

It'd been six months, yet the dark cloud over our heads only got bigger and bigger. 

Ever since you walked into that room with guns in your backpack, our lives had been in shambles. You'd wrecked us, Evan. You'd wrecked me. 

Perhaps I did need that apology.

It wasn't like our family was perfect before. Honestly, not even close. Our real dad had a family before us; did you know that? He had a wife and two beautiful children. But alas- his first daughter was a schizophrenic. Dad couldn't handle it. He cheated on his wife with Mom and they got together and had us. Two years later, Dad died of a heart attack, leaving Mom alone with two toddlers. And now, here you are, doing the same thing with us. You didn't take away just fifteen lives that day, Evan. You took away so many more. 

Izzy and Maxy will always be remembered as the kids with the murderer for a brother. No one will ever be able to look Mom and Dad in the eye. All the parents of those who died that day will be faced with empty bedrooms, empty dinner tables and empty hearts. And me? I will never be able to live with myself knowing that the other half of me had storms in his eyes and tornadoes in his heart. I will never be able to forgive myself for not knowing what was inside of you.

Suddenly, I heard a tap on my balcony door. Subconsciously, I'd walked myself back to my room, and was sitting on my bed, curled up into a ball.

I walked over to the window, curiosity cursing through my veins, but fear constricting my throat. I almost let out a yelp when I saw who it was. 

"Or you know, door would be fine too,"Green said, smiling. 

My heart hammered in my chest as the note flashed in my mind. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your walls. 

"How'd you get up here?"I asked nervously, hugging my arms across my chest. It was chilly outside, and my thin cotton t-shirt wasn't of any help. 

"Your balcony faces my window. All I had to do was climb out,"he shrugged, then looked concerned. "Is this a good time?"he asked. He must have noticed the bags under my eyes and the red blotches on my cheeks, but he made no comment. I liked that he cared. 

I cleared my throat. "Well, um, yes-I guess. Yeah,"I stuttered, running a hand through my hair. My social skills? Pathetic at the moment. I hadn't so much as spared a glance towards anyone but my family and my tutors in months.

"Sorry for popping up at such an odd time. I was just looking out of the window and I noticed you in your room and you looked sad so I thought I'd come in and cheer you up, I guess?"he said awkwardly, an absolutely adorable smile fixed on his face. I grinned. 

"Wait, I'm not like.. stalking you or anything. I just so happened to have been looking out the window and-"

"It's okay,"I cut him off, a big smile making its way onto my face. I hadn't smiled like this in a long time. It was just nice talking to someone apart from my family who cared about what I was feeling. 

"You're Ivy, right?"he asked, smiling back. And just like that, my smile vanished. He recognised me. He knew who I was. He knew who you were. I was a fool to think that someone would actually want to talk to me after what had happened. I was a fool to think that my life could go back to normal. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Green asked, as I backed away from him. My eyes misted over with oncoming tears as I let my fantasies disappear. I wasn't a normal girl. So long as your blood flowed through my veins, I wasn't normal. 

Shutting the door behind me, I sank onto my bed, quietly crying into my pillow. I didn't let myself think about that day. For once, I slept throughout the night, not once getting up  from a nightmare. For once. 

The next morning, I found a note on my balcony, the green swirl ever-so present. 

Biting back a smile, I unfolded it, reading the words over and over again just to make sure I hadn't misread them.

"Let go of your fears and stand up tall."

. . . .

A/N I feel like crying every time I write this book. I'm so sorry it's so dark and emotional right now. It gets better- I promise.