it's been almost 9 months, angel. 9 months without your smile, your laugh, your voice. no new pictures, no videos, no content. god i'd do anything to see you again. i want to see you on weekly idol with your members. i want to see you promote the story of light. i want photocards with you on them. yes shinee is still shining and doing well, but it's not the same. i'm sorry, but it isn't. it isn't shinee to me without your voice. the story of light is good from what i've heard, but it's hard to listen to. i keep waiting to hear your voice, but it isn't there. i don't know when this feeling will go away. i just haven't been the same since the morning i woke up to the news. i had just gotten to school, and my best friend at the time, maddison, texted me. the text said "so a member of shinee died??" and i thought it was some joke or rumor she had heard. i googled your name. it wasn't a rumor, or some sick joke. i couldn't function that day. i couldn't tell people why, i couldn't talk. i cried so much. i had to skip my morning classes to go to the bathroom and cry. i asked my mom to pick me up from school, but she told me i had to stay. that day at lunch, i didn't eat. that's one of the first times i stopped eating. my now boyfriend, noah thought it was a dumb reason to cry but it didn't stop me. my friends hawk, alex, and others thought it was dumb too. they didn't understand it, but i understand what they mean. they didn't have the same connection as i do. maddison was upset too, and she was the only one who understood. when i got home, i cried. that's all i could do. i fell asleep and napped for about an hour, hoping i would wake up and you would address rumors or anything that had happened. i woke up, i checked my phone, and the only thing i saw about you were fan accounts writing their notes to you. that was the day i realized, idols are treated so unfairly. you deserved so much, jonghyun. you deserved the world. you weren't happy. i hope you're happy now. i hope you see how well the boys are doing. i love you, sweetheart. i always will.
