Ivana- Outnumbered fanfic [INCOMPLETE]

6- Ivana Is Adored

Saturday

"All I'm saying is, if I were going to murder him, I'd do it with blood thinner."

"Yeah, because then all you'd have to do is, like, give him a cut somewhere. You could make it look like an accident," Ben agreed with his sister.

"No, I think it would still have to be a fairly substantial wound, wouldn't it?" was their father's argument. "Otherwise it would take too long for him to bleed out."

"Maybe he could cut himself with his razor!" suggested Ben excitedly.

"Yeah, so it would be an accident," nodded Karen.

"Ah, but how would you ensure he cut himself shaving? Because if you're planning to kill someone, you can't leave it up to chance like that," Pete pointed out.

"Well..." Karen hesitated.

"Is it really necessary to discuss this over lunch?" asked their mother desperately.

"You could give him a paper cut," said Karen, "Then he probably wouldn't notice."

Pete sucked air through his teeth. "Would a paper cut be enough, though?" he asked.

"Well, you could stab him!" said Ben.

"That's stupid, because then you might as well just stab him anyway and forget the blood thinner!" his sister scoffed.

"Now, how would we administer a wound that looks like an accident, but is serious enough for him to bleed to death...with the aid of the blood thinner, of course?" wondered Pete aloud.

"Pete!" hissed Sue.

"Also, you'd need to make sure he was alone and couldn't get help," added Ben.

"There are a lot of complications to this plan, Karen. I think you'd need to give it some more thought, before you went through with it," her dad frowned disapprovingly.

"Pete!" Sue scolded.

"Ok, dad," nodded Karen.

Catching his wife's eye, Pete hastily amended, "But this is all hypothetical, you understand. Under no circumstances should you actually attempt to murder your physics teacher."

"Even if he's really horrible and I think I could get away with it?"

"Even then," he nodded firmly.

"Fine," Karen exhaled grudgingly, but as she took her plate to the sink, she muttered, "It's not like anyone would miss him, though."

"Jake's been really quiet recently, hasn't he?" Sue swiftly changed the topic to Jake, who had refused to leave his room for lunch.

"That's because he's in love with Ivana," Karen stated plainly.

Pete choked on his sandwich, but Sue broke out in a grin that spanned the whole width of her face. Ben looked mildly interested.

"So he actually loves her now," Ben half questioned, half stated.

"I thought we'd just established that he hated her? What happened to 'I'd rather spend ten weeks in the outer Hebrides with Aunt Jane, than one hour with Ivana'?" Pete demanded.

"No, he always liked her, he just didn't know it because he's a boy and stupid," explained Karen.

"I give up,"sighed Pete. He went back to his cheese and pickle.

"So, Karen, how do you know that he knows that he likes her now?" Sue asked carefully.

The edges of Karen's lips pulled upwards slyly "Well, you're his mum and you've been there the same time I have: maybe if you don't know by now, I shouldn't tell you."

"Karen," Sue warned, "Tell me...please."

"I don't know that I should. I mean if you can't see what's going on under your own nose, why should I perpetuate your negligent parenting?"

"Perpetuate?" asked Pete at the same time as Sue asked:

"Negligent parenting?"

She ignored them. Then, turning to her mother and running her fingers carelessly along the counter, "Maybe, if I had some more credit on my phone, I could tell you..."

Her mother glared, weighing her options. "Five pounds."

"Ten."

"Seven. Final offer."

"...Deal," accepted Karen eventually, beaming.

"So," Sue began, "how do you know?"

"It's obvious really," replied Karen condescendingly, "He's always trying to be funny and to make her laugh and when she does, he get's this big, dumb smile."

"Yeah, that's true," Ben backed her. "But he never does anything embarrassing to be funny, because he doesn't want to look dumb."

"Plus, he blushes all the time."

They both looked at their parents, nodding.

"Hmmm, well, that seems pretty conclusive really," Pete conceded.

"Yes," murmured Sue from her bewildered and merry daze.