The way the sun sets.

A letter to you.

Dear you.
hey.
It's been a while.
Not really. Just yesterday i allowed you to speak again.
I thought you promised to stop them.
You promised to say nice things.
Things that made me feel good.
happy.
You promised this year would be better.
Better for me.
Better for you.
Better for us.
I hate when you lie to me.
Do you know how hard it's been already?
What am i saying of course you do.
Your here all the time.
With me through every problem.
problems i feel i caused.
I've been pushing through or at least trying too.
Why do you play with my emotions?
Or a better question is why do i let you?
Like one minute you make me feel like i'm on top of the world.
Careless and carefree.
Breathing in the pure oxygen.
Next im sinking and all I can do is lie.
Lie in the still frozen water as everyone else walks by.
Oblivious to me drowning.
Weirdly enough, those are the only moments that i am careless.
The only moments I actually am carefree.
The day I compared myself to the girl with long straight black hair was they day you announced your permanent presence.
That was the first day i learned what it felt like to be 'ugly'.
What it felt like to be different.
I walked by the bathroom mirror today.
Your words filled my mind up to the brim that if i looked any longer they would overflow.
You told me I looked fat, that I looked ugly because half of my face is slightly turned down.
Or that i have to marks and blemishes that spot my face.
Something only you can take the time to notice.
Or let alone..care about.
You pointed out everything I hate about myself in a matter of minutes.
Tore me down in a matter seconds.
I was happy and felt beautiful until i looked into that damn mirror.
I wanted so badly to just break the mirror. Hit it until my knuckles bled.
Hit it until in some magical way the blood covered mirror might make my reflection better
Hoping it would make my reflection better.
But instead i walked away.
I walked away until I was forced
Forced to look at myself again the very next morning.
After the burning hot shower that tinted my pale skin.
I looked into that damn mirror and saw every part of myself I have tried to hide so hard from the world.
Every inch and crevasse i've excluded from everyone's peering eyes.
The scars from surgery and late nights i couldn't handle.
Little bags under my arm's that i got from my mom.
Not to mention the big birthmark on my arm.
Oh how you made me hate myself even more for something i did not have a choice in.
You've made me cry and hurt.
I would have brushed you off easier because
it would have been easier to feel nothing then feel guilty.
Guilty for not living up to your impossible standards
Guilty for not living up to there impossible standards.
But for all those ways i feel
I feel most guilty for accepting you. I feel it every time you brush my thoughts
Every word lingering in my subconscious ready to pounce like a hungry lion on a weak gisele.
and I feel the emptiness you bring me just as your about to devour me whole.
I cant keep hurting myself letting you win.
I cant keep hurting them letting you win.
I see it on his face when sometimes i say things about myself that he might not like.
In the back
back of my mind.
I feel like i can read him.
Like maybe if i tune you out i can actually hear every word his mouth spews.
But your too loud to ignore.
So all i can do is look and smile.
His face holds pain, like he can't believe i said that about myself because in his.
Everything I hate, he loves.
Like everything I find awful he's just enamoured wholey.
But then you.
Your wretched ways and cursed words come up
He doesn't care.
He just can't hurt you.
If he admitted how would that make him look?
And as much as i try to ignore you. I can't help but agree.
You've put me through so much.
That When he disagrees i get angry.
Angry that he's siding with me then you.
Angry that he's lying to me.
Like he cant think that because i don't have long flowing long black hair.
Or i dont have the perfect eyebrows and plump full lips.
I wish i could believe him and trust him.
But you, you remind me daily that i can't.
You remind me to keep you hidden.
Because letting you out is a sad call for attention
A 'i feel ugly so let me tell you, so you can tell me i'm not'
Or a 'hey this dress looks bad on me, so tell me i look amazing'
You have brainwashed me, and made me memorize you're words like lyrics of my favorite adele song.
You have imprinted each word.
Sounding out each syllable and cutting my thoughts with them.
So when they say 'You are Beautiful'
I can't help but turn away
I can't help but accept and feel the wave of guilty wash me away like the riptide on a full moon.
Letting it take me into its unforgiving waters during the storm it brew.
I hurts thinking that the people i care about the most dont even know the half of what i have gone through.
Even when i was with them i felt lonely.
More lonely as each breath escaped my lungs
So i smiled
I smiled and
i lead everyone to believe that i am okay.
A smile i've glued on my face for years.
Hoping one day it would stick.
I laugh and i talk
Talk to forget you are here
Laugh to try to cover of the sweats i get from communicating to another
living
Breathing
Human being
Because i know im slurring my words or talking to fast.
That it gives me really bad anxiety
And a heavier weight on my shoulders
Things that just fuel you even more
on what they would say.
And because of the laughs and hyperactive talking everyone believes you are not there
But even after i have said more than i should.
I keep talking.
Because silence is loud.
It's deafening, because everything is there.
Packed until it runs wild
Ramped and destructive.
Like a war raged onto a villiage
And sometimes you can never come back from the attacks.
Sometimes your just there.
Sometimes i'm just there
Sometimes i can see myself drowning.
And all i can do is look.
Look at myself slowly dying.
Look at how i'm accepting the fate i've been given.
Because you made me lose it.
You made me lose all sense of hope
like there was no light at the end of the tunnel
Like i was alone in the water.
Like i was unlovable or full of flaws
You made me lose the possibility of ever coming back
Made me forget for so long that i am able to do something.
Made me forget my strength and that scars made me beautiful.
Made me forget that i was a warrior in a brutal battle
but i never stopped fighting.
So, this
This is my only letter to you.
A letter
on how you are not welcome anymore.
A letter on how you, may stop by once in a while.
But how i will remember
remember to
REFUSE to let you linger.
Because you
You are a villain
and i refuse to be your victim.
- @iamkiingvee