Transcendence

For The Soul I Lost

      Tonight, I lay next to your ghost
and wait for your fingers to wrap
      around mine.
    Your eyes are made of stars, glinting
with a desperation I did
                         not yet understand
    Because when we first met, I was lonely
and dying and you
        were dying and filling yourself with drugs
You took me to the graveyard once and
               handed me a sunflower
                                  from a tombstone
Said 'You're going to die anyways baby
girl, so you might as well steal all the
          pretty things you can
                                   Cover your scars
because Normal will never fall in love with
a girl like that.'
           We used to steal rose petals
and throw them across your living room
     Got drunk off of cheap vodka and club soda
until we were full
        Until all the blackness was gone
                         from inside us
I didn't know it then- you used
                      to leave me dizzy, alone
Ran into your room when your eyes
                                     looked  d i s t a n t
       Pulled into your own Darkness-
and then you would come back, stuff
          petals between your teeth and spit
                                     them into the green ashtray
You were so beautiful, Love, but you
               always smelled like you were
                                                                             burning.
Smelled like a plastic container
                        was left too long in the microwave
until you would explode
              Because this was the closest you
could get to dying with a child
                              in the other room.
I reached out for you, but your
skin was pulled tight against your bones-
               you were ready to Disappear
and I wanted to come with you
         But words poured from your mouth
about someone coming after you
                  Voices from upstairs
        I thought you were crazy, because
upstairs was an old lady who always
                        kept to herself
It wasn't until tonight that I realized
              You meant inside your head
Because, I have those voices, too, used
                                    to talk me towards the edge.
Baby, I knew you hurt, but you had
                your drugs and I had my razors
I hoped we could pull
                 each other through the tunnel
Find a light that was never
           meant for lonely hearts and shackled
bones         I couldn't breathe
                                                   in your walls
Lost sight of the light that guided
         me towards you
because it wasn't the stars
It was a lighter and a thin, white pipe
and blonde hair and blue ocean eyes
                          I could drown in
I drowned in you when I was
                          supposed to save you.
I'm reaching for you again
                     listening to the buzzing, humming of the
music you loved and would sing
                              My Angel, dead or alive,
I hope you can feel my fingers
                      intertwine with yours.

                                                          Je suis désolé.