Before I Hit The Ground

5 (part 1 of the end)

A/N I wanna dedicate this to the people who have been supporting me in this, but Royal gets the actual dedication oh the book for his all-out excitement for this book. Thanks Roy!

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I feel so empty, worthless, unloved, unwanted, sad, and hurt. This is my only way out. I just want out of this never-ending pain, out of the feelings of inadequacy. I want out of this stupid f*cked up world where I got dealt a sh*tty hand and then had worse cards thrown into it. Well, this world can kiss my ass, I'm so done with it. 

I rush towards the earth and the other's voices buzz in my ear with the wind, I'm not really listening until all of a sudden Amber whispers something.  My mind comes to attention but I missed whatever she said.

"Wait what?" I say into the mic. "Hold up Amber what did you say?" 

"I said I'm sorry I didn't protect you, and I said I like you too, an-and I said goodbye, Liza..." My heart hurts. Wait? I'm feeling...Happy? I mean at least a little bit. What weird time for this. I mean like she said it back. I don't know what to do, I mean after the party I had assumed she wasn't really into me.  And then the pain of everything comes back and I'm left gasping for air. And then all of sudden there's Nat in my ear. 

"Liza, I loved mentoring you and bing your friend, you are the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I'm gonna miss you so-oo much gorgeous. And as much as I don't want you to do this I won't try to stop you, this is your choice. Goodbye Liza." God, was this a mistake? No, no. This is what I deserve, I should never have been born in the first place. All I do is screw up everyone else. I'm still falling at breakneck speed and its like I'm flying. Until Cody is the next one to speak. And my heart drops.

"Liza you are my best friend and I need you still, who's g-gonna stay up late with me watching horror movies and having deep conversations with me when I can't take it?  I'm not ready to lose you! And what about this kid I'm strapped to!? You're going to traumatize him!  He's twelve Liza!  God, we can't save you! We all have people to take care of right now! How long were you planning this? Liza please-e  we were supposed to grow up and our kids were going to play together and be best friends and now?" He's crying. I didn't want to hurt them I just didn't know how else to do it.  I just wanted to end the pain I feel and the pain I inflict. 

"Hey there Liza, I know that we never really got to talk much and I regret that so much now. You were always so hard working and kind and you'd pick up my shifts when my dad was sick. I'm so sorry that you felt how you did. Nat was right though you have a beautiful soul. Bye Liza. " Josh says in a tone that spoke sincerity. 

The radio goes quiet and no one speaks as my body falls.

They Pull their chutes. 

Mine stays shut. 

But all their words run through my mind. Were they true though? I've always felt so alone and depressed and lost and hurt. But they all say that I was a completely different person. So, which version was I? The broken, sad, ugly, unwanted girl that looked back at me in the mirror? Or this whole other person who was bright and sunny and people claimed to love?

Maybe this isn't what I wanted to do or what I needed. Maybe I just needed them to love and to love me. 

"Liza? ..." Trace, nope I take it back" I'm sorry I drove you to this. I have no excuses." 

I'm broken, I'm done, I'm......unsure. 

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Ohh boyy I'm crying again. Y'all have fun with this one!