Before I Hit The Ground

4

Nat signals that we have 3 minutes left before we have to pull our chutes, I give a thumbs up but its like I'm falling through my memories things stick out and hit me at random causing my mind to spiral and flicker in and out of focus, my mom, her addiction,my dad, my problems, and...........Trace. Along with Trace is another name, like their tied together, Amber. Over and over again but nothing makes sense and the flashes of clips from my life feel like they're going to give me a seizure. 

Mom,Addiction,Dad,Problems,Trace, Amber ......

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*earlier that year*

Mom......

Addiction...

"mom? I need a ride to work." I enter her dark room, its cold and her sleeping body is wrapped in her comforter, pill and beer bottles litter the floor and a syringe lays empty on the nightstand. I sigh and head back to the kitchen for a trash bag and think that it's probably fine for me to take the car, she won't be going anywhere for a while. As I gather up the bottles and make my way slowly to the bed I began to notice there is a lack of noise. and movement. My heart stops and my blood runs cold as the room.

"Mom?" No response. I move closer.

"Mommy?" I touch her shoulder lightly but she doesn't move. I gently peel back the heavy comforter and place my hand against her ice cold cheek....

"Oh my God Mom?" I fall to my knees in tears. Is she gone? How can she be gone? I told her one day she was going to take it to far....I should have swept the house for drugs after she got home last night.

"Oh god mommy I'm sorry! I should have been better! I just wanted you to be happy, I thought that the detox was helping."I lace my fingers in hers, their so stiff....

I brush her hair away from her face, she's smiling, like. Like she's having a good dream...a dream in which she never met my father and she never had me.

My vision blurs further and I press my cheek to her hand, shaking from the cold... or maybe its my sobs. I bump the bedside table and hear tinkling glass.

I look at the syringe next to me and underneath is a piece of wrinkled paper, words are magnified by the glass of the needle. 

"Dearest  Liza,

I'm so sorry baby girl. I can't anymore, I can't live with it. What your father did to me to you... What all the other's did to us both. Liza, I stayed long enough to see you find something you love and I'm so proud of you. But you don't need me anymore. Know I love you more than anything in the world but, I can't stop hurting, and in seeing you, I see him and his actions. I wish things were different but, My Love they're not and I'm sorry I wasn't stronger.

I love you with all my heart,

Mommy."

Dad.....

My Father was a stain upon the earth. He didn't love us, he used us... both of us. Mom could never stop him she was too weak from the constant beatings he'd give to her. He never beat me though. He said I was his princess, but I was more like his toy. 

Love is a loose term with him.

He Loved my Mother and hebeat her. He Loved me and did things most Father's would never think of doing to their kids...

Trace....

It was a few days after mom had... killed herself. The group had been planning the party for a month, it was Trace's promotion party and....I didn't want to miss it. 

I'd spent hours getting ready. When I got to Trace's parent's house I stuck to the couch and sipped my drink, I had 3 and was finally feeling like the party was interesting, and then... he's the one who raped me and made me feel dirty and disgusted with myself. God, I was so stupid! of course, it was him. 

And........Amber knew. 

She walked back in to check on us I suppose, I remember asking her for help, but he shoved her out and threatened to tell her mom she was lesbian. 

That's not an excuse though! she should have protected me, called the police! Or at least .....told me.

Nat signals that it's time to pull our chutes so we have lots of glide time. I shake my head no. 

Nat give me a confused look and points to my helmet where we each have emergency radios, they're not efficient but they're helpful. Even with the wind.

"Liz, what's wrong?" She speaks into her mic while the others do a few last tricks.

"I'm not pulling my chute. I'm done Nat I'm sorry." Her jaw falls open. 

"THE FUCK YOU AREN'T!" Oops, that's Cody, I'm screwed if I don't end up doing this.

"Cody, I'm done. No more." I drop my arms to my sides and straighten my legs so now I'm dropping like a rock.

My radio is going nuts with their angry and worried yelling and then I hear

"GUYS! SHE WANTS TO KILL HERSELF LET HER SHE'S JUST A DISGUSTING SLUT ANYWAY!" My heart hurts at Trace's words.

"AND YOUR'E THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO RAPPED HER!" Amber screams.

"she's right, you are, I remember." I say now that I'm below them it's safe to continue floating down. "and this is your fault, hope you come to peace with that before I hit the ground."

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A/N so the part about her mom actually had me in tears. Next chapter is the last chapter.