There it was. We just drove past it. I still think of that day all the time. The way my hair smelled because it was freshly washed. Soft and fluffy. I had put it up in a bun. Also I was wearing this black summer dress, I guess perfectly dressed for the occasion. Then a flash back kicks in, a pair of brown eyes and a big brown nose meet mine. I give a quick peck and smile before that vision vanished in my head. And I sprung back to reality. I wonder at what time slot I should be here, just to see him again. I might sound totally nuts, but for some reason , this summer , him, I just can't erase it from my mind. Especially when everything including these towns , reminds me of him. I barely knew him. Just for a short period of time. Now supressing my emotions or feelings by using others to get distracted from them wouldn't seem like the right thing , right? But I still do it. Just that skin to skin contact makes me feel safe , even if it is just for a short period of time. Because all it does actually is increase my fear of being alone, getting hurt, and being in a relationship. All my emotions are mixed up in a stew, this summer ruined me. Okay that might sound a little overdramatic, but it did not exactly change things for the better. He made me like this. He took something from me. I wish I had never met him in the first place. The back of my mind: You don't actually mean that, you are fooling yourself, you are still hoping he will somehow would want to contact you. Let him go.
Now we just left his hometown, relief washing over me. I've been here so many times before without a sight of him, so why should I be scared, or hoping to see him somewhere now? And what if I did see him? Anxiety always gets the best of me and comes up with these different crazy scenarios of how I would meet him somewhere magically. My mind is tired and stressed. He blocked me on social media. Better. I mentally thank him for that. Because we were constantly stalking each other. I guess he couldn't let me go either which is very odd and ironic since he is the one who dumped me. It feels like yesterday, it's been half a year. But the question is why I can't get someone , who I had known for just a month out of my head, but when it comes to someone I dated for 3 years, it isn't a problem. And maybe it is because I gave him something , that wasn't my intention to give. I may sound like a crazy person, at least that's what he made me out to be.
There is so much to tell that I want to tell it all at the same time, it all comes out like one big chaos and I don't really know how to express myself or talk in a normal understandable way. My teachers say I am the most chaotic student they have ever encountered in their days of teaching. That's technically not what they literally said, but it's close.
I wanted to write a letter, but it took me so much effort of thinking what I wanted to say. Normal people say it gets better by day. But it actually is the total opposite of that. I want to scream my insides out, throw myself against a wall, slam my fists against a hard surface. Drown myself or jump in a pool and dive deeper and deeper just to feel the rush of my lungs feeling like they need to burst. I feel the surface of my mental well being slipping from under my very feet. Jumping, scratching, hissing, yelling, hitting, crying etc. I want to do it all. I feel uneasy as I slip through the crowd , afraid of someone to notice , calling me out. Feeling all eyes watching me. Piercing through my skull. I want to hide , yet I want to be apart of it , the crowd. I want to step out, but only halfway. If there was a circle drawn around my body, then I'd only put one leg out and the rest in. Testing the water but never really diving in. Yet you want to drown, isn't that ironic?
Friday , the day I finally get some sort of rest , physically then at least.
Because mentally al my thoughts just keep piling up against an invisible glass barrier in my mind that keeps it from overflowing and destructing me .
Or maybe it just might break.
I had two weird encounters this week, one from a guy that kept stalking me. It was late , I was tired and waiting on the station for my bus to come, then suddenly I saw this green shirted guy coming out of the bus of Arnhem , my heart dropped like 10 feet, and I kept looking down on my phone screen hoping he wouldn't be able to spot me.
Luckily he didn't .
Then today I was talking to my friend about a guy I used to date for a while back in september, October 2017, and then I stepped out of the train , took the staircase to the upper part of the station, walked in to Starbucks , got a really nice green tea frappe chino , and then took the staircase down stairs again, and at the end , there he stood. In a blue blouse and a pair of sneakers, his style seemed to have changed for the better I guess.
I tried to catch his whole face , but I didn't want him to notice me, I walked a little further away from him , but still having him in sight. Then when I finally stood still, the memories of our first date came flowing in . I was the one that used to try to avoid him at first because I thought he was an annoying piece of shit and I wanted no part of any of his actions. The tables turned I guess. But he must have spotted me because when the train arrived, he was no longer standing on that spot and he was nowhere to be seen. Now I was the one he was trying to avoid.
Back at it again, I just had one of my art works presented at the big concert hall in Eindhoven. I can't help but feeling proud of what I've accomplished, looking back I never would have dreamed making it this far. I'm not there yet, but getting closer everyday. The guys from the band are nice I guess, I don't have a special bond with them like they maybe hoped we would develop. It takes a while for me to warm up to people. But something in the back of my head keeps pulling me towards the lead of the band. (Classic right?) he has this mystery that interests me. Although he is not your typical handsome bloke, he is attractive in some sort of way that I can't really explain. His voice , his eyes, they have a vibe to them which makes me intrigued.
Thing is, I don't think he likes girls like me. Whatever I thought he did , I must have made a mistake when I thought he was looking at me when he preformed. It's stupid and pathetic to think like that.
I passed the last module, great. Finally some time to relax. But instead of relaxing I just indirectly witnessed a suïcide and instead of feeling sorry for the victim, I am feeling sorry for myself and thinking of the fastest way to get home.
Some small talk with the other passengers seemed to kill little bit of the time. Although I am still wondering how long it would take for them to clean up the body and pull the lever to start the train moving again. My mind keeps on replaying on how the person would have jumped infront of the train. What the body would look like. I am not a psychopath , or like the sight or sound of death. But I just want to know what we are dealing with. In one way we are all part , or witnesses of a murder that was caused by the vehicle we where driving in. It wasn't our fault, but something in the back of my head doesn't fit right with the whole situation. Great , my laptop is at 7% , how much more time do I have to kill before -
A few weeks later I just had my surfing vacation and had a great time , from learning to surf, meeting new and wonderful people, forming a close bond and going out almost every night. Getting totally wasted because the alchohol is so cheap 1 euro per beer is ridiculously great. Enjoying every step , my bare feet touching the beach sand. Feeling the water run through my fingers as I paddle out to the waves. Feeling one with the ocean. I loved every single day, hour, minute, second . I -uhm had kissed 3 guys while I was there. Where shall I begin? It is like such a blur but I remember it so well at the same time. I was so drunk. I couldn't control myself.
