Aham Brahmasmi

Omnipresent yet Finite

Mom brought you into my life. When she used to join my tiny hands in front of you at the crowded pandal, all I would notice was the food in front of you and your big fat belly. My young mind accepted then, that we bowed to you because you were so big. Maybe we were supposed to be afraid of you.

Then you were brought home and never once did you intimidate me with a glare like the elders of my family. You let me steal your food and let me cover you in vermilion to my heart's content. I noticed your tiny eyes which hid a smile and those big ears which I always wanted to pull just like mom pulled mine. Would you wince and jump from your comfy chair just like I did? There was no fear. You brought happiness in the house. You brought my family home. They laughed together, we sang together. I felt loved. So when you left to go back to your mumma and papa, I would cry and stare at the vacant seat which you left behind. Just a tiny lump of clay replacing you in the warm light of the lamp that night. You took away the laughter, even a part of the love with you.

Soon I was attentive enough to find a copy of you residing in the puja ghar. How did you always manage to smile? Did you never get pimples? Did a crush never call you 'sisterly'? Did your parents not get into a screaming match often? Did you not have irritating siblings and demonic teachers? I shared and you let me.

It was tempting to share every little problem with the guy with huge ears, snout over his mouth and definitely some degree of fat kid troubles. You wouldn't interrupt nor judge. And this went on while I started reading about you. Asking questions about you and figuring out what you really were. Afterall you were my best friend. A friend who would visit me in dreams sometimes like a cute chubby baby giving hugs and sometimes like a grown-up explaining the finer details of life while we sat by the seaside.

I realized with each prayer recited, each verse deciphered that you were to be revered, there would always be a step between us, perhaps several,  from atop which you would observe me and at the foot of which I would stand, trying my best to learn each day how to bring you closer to me. How to climb each step and get closer to you.

Ekdanta - I learnt never to back down and keep working towards each goal in life. To get back up and continue the fight. And I know it was you who bumped my name forward on each undeserved win and opportunity. It was you who remembered me and turned your charm to get me places. In return I only learnt to never lie to you. Painfully enough mom caught on to this and you became the inhouse high court!

Vakratunda - You taught me to love myself and not dwell on external appearances. You made me try to sharpen my mind and soften my heart instead. In return I learnt to thank you. There would be no more 'requests' to save me.

Ankushdharinam - You taught me self respect. You taught me boundaries. The difference between independence and chaos. In return I learnt to close my eyes and follow your directions. To think before taking a step.

ShurpaKarna - You taught me to listen. To pay attention and process information. To select what I want imprinted on my mind. It's still a work in progress but you know I try.

Lambodar - Yes my love for food roots from you and mom both. But more than that you taught me to keep quiet. To be there for others. To know when to hold my tongue. And you know how big a part of my growing up was this teaching. Being the motormouth I always was.

But greater than all of these you taught me to love. To observe but never judge. To consider every person my equal and still trust and love before everything else. It took time, years in fact. But I am getting there. And I feel you holding my hand through the world you get dissolved in each year. Only to take form once again this year. And I welcome you with folded hands, the energy of your universe pulsating through my veins feeling elated and in awe while you sit there watching me. Smiling at the woman who still wants the last modak to end up in her mouth but gets beaten by her daughter to it and doesn't feel bad.

I know you will teach her, like you have taught me.

Morya to the intellect within us all.