The Alliances We Make (Twisted Thoughts)

Hush Little Ally, Don't You Cry

I found his stash. Pills. Pot. Powder. It was like a gateway to heaven. The best damn thing this relationship has given me. Bit by bit, I took it from him. It was easy, he barely existed in his mind. Phased out on the bed, or too busy crying in a self-loathing rage in the bathroom. I wasn't heartless, I did want him to be safe. I didn't turn a blind eye to his cutting or his need to use any resource to strip himself from reality. He wasn't the only one who needed escape. I was tired of being tired, bored of being bored. My life was a routine nightmare of petty compliments and a forced façade of the 'independent,artistic daughter' my parents wanted to create me. They could sweep the amount of flings I've had under the rug, they could mask an obscure prescription medication addiction. But I had the hard stuff now, and all it'll cost me was my body. Something he was more than willing to fall for. – M x

Three Years Ago

Alchemy

God, I hate people. Every single person in this room is here for the same reason, the same mess up. Yet, I've received more than one judgemental look, and one damn right stare. Why couldn't people just not be so blood judgemental? Or mind their own goddamn business! It wasn't my fault, I didn't want to be here. An abortion clinic? Yeah, I never dreamed of the day. I hated going to the doctors for a check-up, I absolutely dreaded when I realised where I had been driven to. First thing in the morning as well. My luck, I thought sarcastically. Not my idea for a 'Let's go for a drive, get some fresh air' suggestion. I was nervous to tell him, but when I was alone last night and did the test I was genuinely excited. There wasn't a person alive that knew me and didn't know that I loved children. I've been obsessed with being a mother from a young age. It was so surreal that you just can create a mini life, it never really made sense to me how extraordinary it all really was. Michael on the other hand.... Kids weren't in his five year plan, and we were only the second year in.

Everything was white, pristine, and clinical. So clinical. Even the nurses look like they receive a colonoscopy from their bidets on a daily basis. Stuck up and overly empowered by some sort of importance. Ridding the world from mistakes and unfortunate occurrences. Brilliant. My irritation built as a pug-ass looking bitch just won't stop staring at me down her snub nose, and the annoying sound of a tapping foot next to me made me want to scream. I told him that this would happen, that pulling out wouldn't work. He'd rather the risk of knocking me up- Something that he's told me that he never wanted to do. Ever- than wear a condom one time in his life. He hated them. They were 'unnatural'.

Letting out a stressed sigh, I did my best to ignore this entire situation. Pretend that this was some bad dream, not this humiliating reality. "You had one job," He whispered into my ear, "One job, kitten. Take a pill. That's all you had to do." I rolled my eyes. Michael Franklyn-Debulter, my boyfriend for a little over two years now, sat next to me oblivious to anything other than his own discomfit at being here. "This is so embarrassing!" He whispered too loud, cringing at the small glances that focused our way. It's not my fault you ejaculated into me, I wanted to say. Wanted to, but couldn't. So like a lot of times in my relationship, I kept my mouth closed.

We had done another five tests this morning. Rounded it up to two or three weeks. Before I could dress in more than a loose tee, denim shorts and sneakers, with my hair in a top knot and a hot chocolate in my hand, Michael dragged me out the door and booked the earliest appointment possible. Without actually telling me he'd done that. I looked like I just rolled out of bed, my boyfriend however, looked like he just marched right out as a 'sexy jeans, leather jacket, and tight tank' special in GQ Magazine. More than a few girls were eyeing him up and throwing inviting looks he's way.