The Alliances We Make (Twisted Thoughts)

Vauclain

Snorting another line of coke off the top of my notebook, my phone vibrated again. Five missed calls, ten texts. I've been ignoring him for two weeks, it was for the best. I do send breadcrumbs his way now and then, he'll get me presents each time I did. It was getting harder, not the fucking other dudes on ecstasy pills in bathrooms of house parties while his holding my drink outside looking for me part, but the him finding out about it or becoming too curious part. He was weak. Vulnerable . He started cutting himself again. He was kept for 24 hours watch last week. Not my problem, but I couldn't be associated with that. Yet, I was pressured about it. So many assholes asking me about how he's going, what's going on. Forcing me to feel sorry for him. It wasn't meant to be like that! This was meant to be fun! An experiment! Trying out the weird kid at school. Not fucking feelings and pleas for my attention. The phone buzzed again, this time I turned it off. Not my problem. – M x 

Paper was scattered all over the car floor. Every bump on the road was like a painful rock in my head as it hung dizzily between my bent knees. Long legs bent awkwardly as I sat bonelessly in the back seat like a child being escorted. The black ink on white sheets taunted me. Telling me my time was running out, that I had once again fucked up. That my mistake in putting trust and belief into enemies for a brief spurt of relief and help was sharper a slice than knives and razors. Rejected again. Application denied.

It was always something. An apartment deemed unfit. Relationship unsuitable. Reliability questionable. All pointing to the agreed fact that I was nothing more than shit drooling on a curb. That my efforts weren't good enough by far. My intentions somehow was seen as uncertain and unlikely. That I had risked something only to gain nothing by a pawn in a one sided bargain. Not favouring me. What the hell does it mean anyway? Too 'high functioning' but still 'mentally unpredictable'? I can look after myself just fine! It was such bullshit!

Losing my cool hadn't made the situation better, even when Pierce, who was basically the façade of what a protective uncle would be like if I had one, put a hand on my shoulder as we approached the car, I almost swung back and punched him in my frustration. Fuck! I wanted to scream at the top off my lungs. Pierce and the four bodyguards travelling with us just waited patiently for me to calm down. Used to my outbursts. Honestly, if it was anyone else touching me, they would have lost some teeth. They've had years. Years! I just wanted my family to be safe. I wanted to take care of them. I needed to take care of them. I bloody had time now! Why was it so fucking hard to get this done?! I let out a loud roaring groan, grinding my teeth so hard together my jaw spasmed. He ruffled my hair as if I was still fourteen not a year away from thirty, pushing me gently to the car. Begrudgingly, I had gotten in.

You know why it hasn't been done? It's because of you.

You're a fuck up, always were, always have been.

You're not even allowed to live by yourself.

No one trusts you, you're pathetic!

You weren't there for them.

Why the fuck should anyone help you?

You're nothing.

Worthless.

As we drove, I leant forward more and more in the car, cradling my head in my hands. Migraines slowly teared their way into my explosive skull. The medication never helped. Only I couldn't envision them as the monstrous claws some would, but the thin long fingered hands of a woman, and the talon like acrylic nails that left my back bleeding with scratches. The smell of lavender crawled into my senses. I knew it wasn't real, but I could breathe it in as if she was still sitting next to me. Non-existent touches floated along my body like ghosts. Closing my eyes, I could see her clearly. Not the bloodied and broken version as I last saw her lying on that road, but the alive, vibrant version. The version of her that haunts me every day. Good, that fucker of a voice hissed at me, she should haunt you. In my nightmares. Every second I close my eyes. Even when I daydream, she was there. Of, course she is. You killed her. It's all your fault. I flinched away from my thoughts.