Under the Acacia Tree | ✓

Letter #7

July 4, 2013

Dear Luke,

I'm living on my own now. It's just near the university too. Why? Because I'm working there. Can you believe it? I'm a professor now. I'm not yet permanent though, just a substitute. But whatever, at least I can still visit the tree, right?

The first time since classes started on the university, I saw Stephen but I ignored him. I felt guilty of what I'm feeling or what I'm about to feel. It's wrong. It felt so wrong.

One afternoon, I was surprised to see him under our tree. When he saw me, he smiled and showed me the food he bought. We talked just like old friends. He told me that he was taking his masters' degree. I filled the silence with the stories of you. He would listen intently and would ask questions after. I liked that about him. He seems so focused like he's listening to every word I say.

I told him about our first anniversary, our road trip, and all our memories. He didn't get tired of listening. He asked me what I miss most about you.

"I miss everything about him." I told him. It's true.

It became a habit. Almost every day, we would eat together, at the mall, at the canteen, anywhere. Stephen and I became really close. We would sometimes go out for dinner and then walk to the parks. Your family said that I looked better now. I was blooming and happier. They were happy for me.

He helped me, Luke. Stephen helped me to live again. To laugh. To seize the moment. Sometimes, I feel like a different person. But that's what you liked about me right? I was different. He made me feel special again. Most of the time I catch myself staring at him and when he catches me, he would just smile.

One night, I felt really bad. I saw our photo albums. I saw our videos. I watched all of them again. I cried myself to sleep. The next day, I ignored Stephen. He was a distraction. He was distracting me from you. I felt guilty because I was forgetting about you. I haven't been under our tree for a while because of him. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm pathetic. You should be mad at me for being like this.

I kept betraying you. I kept breaking our promise. I pushed Stephen away. I told him not to talk to me anymore. He looked sad and it broke my heart.

I called your mom. I told her everything. She talked to me.

"Honey, why did you push him away?" She asked me.

"Because.. I already like him." I told your mom honestly. I thought she was going to be mad but she looked happy.

"That's good. But why did you push him away? I thought you liked him?"

"Because Luke.. he'll be sad. I broke our promise. He'll be sad because Stephen's going to replace him." A single tear escaped from my eye.

"Oh no no no. My son loved you dearly, honey. He wants you to be happy. So, if you're happy because of Stephen, Luke will be happy for you. He wants you to be loved by someone else. He wants someone to love you more than he loved you. He wants you to love again."

I guess this is it, Luke. I guess I need to be honest with my feelings. I guess I need to live for myself. I'm taking baby steps.

I didn't see Stephen the next week. It made me sad because I pushed him. I was the one at fault. I was the one to blame. I was sitting under our tree one afternoon. I made my decision. I was going to move forward. It was the first time I removed the necklace. The necklace with the promise ring. I finally removed it. It was time, Luke. It was time to finally let you go.

I walked away from our tree. I decided to go to the faculty room but I saw him. I saw Stephen. He was running, probably towards the acacia tree.

"Stephen!" I called him. He looked back at there was relief in his expression. He ran towards me and suddenly, I became nervous. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. He was in front of me now.

"Stephen, I'm sorry. I—"

"It's okay, Nathalie. You don't need to explain." I started to protest but he continued, "I know that you loved Luke. I know that I can't replace him. I understand that. Sometimes, I just wish that I met you way before he met you. But this is life. Nothing is fair. I don't expect you to forget him. I know you won't. But Nathalie, can you please take a chance with me?" I was dumbstruck.

I didn't know what to say. I looked at our tree. I saw you there. I don't know if it's just an illusion but I saw you, Luke. I saw you under the acacia tree. It was like the first time, back when we were still first years.

Tears escaped from my eyes. You looked really happy. Your features, the way I remembered it, nothing changed. You had on your perfect smile. The one I fell for. You were waving your hands at me. It wasn't the same as before, though. I know better that you weren't waving "Hi" at me.

You were waving "goodbye" for the last time.

Thank you, Luke. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for everything.

It was time for me to let you go.

When I looked at the tree again, you weren't there anymore.

I'll never forget you though, Luke. I will never ever forget the boy I loved under the acacia tree.

"Yes."

Nathalie.