Under the Acacia Tree | ✓

Letter #4

March 1, 2013

Dear Luke,

I went on a road trip today just like we did back then. 

You took me to the amusement park. We strolled around and tried so many rides. But this time, I'm alone on the rides. I also went to the park where we fed the ducks. There were no ducks anymore. I don't know why. 

I went to that church, too. The one you said where we would get married. I went inside and walked down the aisle. I was imagining you were right there in the end, waiting for me. But when I opened my eyes in the altar, you weren't there.

I did all these things today because I wanted to experience it all over again. To imagine that you're still here, doing all these things with me. 

Remember when Mia insisted that she should come with us on the road trip but you wouldn't let her? She didn't talk to me for a day after that. But it was okay because it's our date and we wanted some time alone.

You know, I miss Mia a lot. We used to be best friends back then. When you died Luke, I died too. I told you, the first few months were hard. It was so hard for me to accept everything. I was traumatized. I didn't want to eat anything. I didn't want to drink. Heck, I didn't even want to breathe. I just wanted to be where you are.

I tried to be where you are, Luke. They won't let me. I tried to drown myself. I tried to overdose myself just to see you again. But they won't let me, Luke.

I blamed everything. I blamed everyone. I blamed Mia. I blamed Sam. I blamed Rob. But there was no one to blame but me.

After that, I didn't talk to them again. I felt ashamed of myself for blaming them. I felt guilty because I stole you from them. I stole you from your friends and then I blamed them. I felt dirty that's why I pushed them so that they won't get hurt anymore.

I learned to run away again. I learned to keep my distance. To keep me safe from the hurting. So, I ignored them. I erased them from my life. I pretended that we didn't know each other. Strangers, just like before.

Sometimes, but honestly most of the time, I miss them. Our bonding. Our games. The things we used to do. I miss you too and that happens all of the time.

When I get lonely, I call your phone just to hear your voice.

"Hi. This is Luke the awesome. I'm busy right now but leave a message!"

Then I would cry after hearing it and I would repeat it again until I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes, I would dance under the acacia tree while humming our song, The Only Exception. I must be dreaming, but sometimes, while dancing, I could feel you. My hands on your shoulders, yours on my waist. Sometimes, I would even hear the wind sing to the harmony of our song. It's like you were there all the time.

I was the happiest girl before you died. You taught me how to be happy. When you died, it was never the same. I cried all the time. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I didn't go back to school in a month. I locked my door. I cried so much that I'm surprised I have any tears left. Sometimes I would lock myself in the dorm and just watch our videos. I would laugh a lot because you were so funny. Then I would cry because I know it will never be the same again.

Remember the subject I told you? The one I worked hard for? I passed it. After you died, they informed me that my group did the best job. I was about to call your phone but I remembered no one's on the other line.

"I did it." I whispered.

I forgot to tell you. My dad remarried. I was happy for him because he deserves it. He deserves to be happy. He tried to cheer me up. He said that you want me to be happy. He told me to move on and live my life. We got in a huge fight because I didn't want to move on. Because that would mean forgetting you. I can't do that, Luke. I can never forget you.

I tried to talk to a counselor. I got a little better. She said that time heals. I believed her. I started going out of my dorm. I even enrolled in a dancing lesson for you. I became happy. I laughed a little more. But I realized that I shouldn't be happy. Why would I be happy? You died. I have no right to be happy.

I cut my hair so short. I punished myself for being selfish. When your mom saw me that time, she knelt down beside me and hugged me tightly.

"Nathalie, honey, please stop blaming yourself. " 

We cried a lot that time. She told me a story. "When Luke first mentioned you, we already knew he was so in love. He kept telling stories about you. He said that, one day, he will make that girl happy. He said you deserved to be happy and he wants you to live well."

I didn't know how much I cried that day. The tears were endless.

"Nathalie, he wants you to live. You can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this. We must move on. Lets do this for him, okay?" She wiped the tears away and kissed my forehead.

I realized then that I wasn't living. I wasn't living the way you wanted me to. You wanted me to be happy. You wanted me to live a normal life even when you're gone.

My hair is long now. It's almost the same length when you were still here. I talk to Mia sometimes now. I will keep trying to move on, you know. But like you said back then, I'll never get rid of you that fast.

Maybe someday—someday—I'd look back and not shed a tear anymore.

Nathalie.