god, the universe, and everything in between

three

age 17

i rest my hands on the counter, leaning slightly forward as i stare at myself in the mirror. my eyes are puffy and my lips are red and swollen. the bags under my eyes have gotten significantly worse since my last weekly mirror check in. this is what hours of constant sobbing does to you.

i used to be pretty. not anymore.

i take a shakey breath and pull away from the counter. i exhale and stand up straight, mentally bracing myself for the part where i have to look at my body. i examine my arms first with a frown and bite my lip. sticks. total sticks. i lift up my shirt to look at my stomach but quickly put it back down. half a second is long enough. i shake my head and turn off the bathroom lights before walking out. i sniffle and wipe my nose as i make my way back to my bed and climb into it, burying myself under my mountain of covers. what are you doing to yourself? i think as i turn around to face his side of the bed. i reach out and gently rest my fingers on his pillow. my heart skips a beat, maybe even two. 

after what feels like hours but was probably only a few minutes of me closing my eyes and thinking deeply about ryker, i hear my door creak open. i turn my head to see willow standing in the doorframe. i inhale sharply, guilt overtaking me. i know that i've been a bitch to her recently. i've been a bitch to everyone, really, but for some reason i'm really taking it out on willow.

"sage?" she asks quietly and steps in, closing the door behind her. i squeeze my eyes shut and hope to become invisible. i sense her walking towards me and decide that the invisibility plan isn't working. i sit up slowly and pull my knees to my chest.

"can i sit?" she asks with a small gesture to the edge of my bed. i nod and tuck my hair behind my ear, breathing out a soft, "sure."

we both stay quiet for a long while. we sit in silence, but oddly enough it's comfortable. i realize that it might be better not to go through grief alone, despite what i've been telling myself for weeks now.

"i'm sorry," i blurt out, the pace of my heart picking up. "i'm so sorry."

willow looks at me and bites her lip. i don't know why i expected her to be confused, my whole family knows that i'm mad at her and obviously so does she. she nods, "it's okay. i know that all of this sucks."

i feel the familiar sting of tears behind my eyes as i begin to speak, "it's not okay. i'm sorry that i'm an asshole. it's just..." i hesitate, afraid to share the thought that's been burning in the back of my head. "i've been so selfish. the day that i found out ryker died everything in me just shut down. i don't know who i am anymore, or what i'm supposed to be doing. hell, i haven't eaten in two days because i keep forgetting to. i've been so lost, willow, and all this time i've been looking for people to pity me more than anyone else. i know that you loved him, too. and i'm... i don't know, jealous, in a way. i love him more than anyone else in the entire fucking world, and i say that wholeheartedly. and he always said the same but in my heart i know it's just not true. he loves you, too. i know that it's a different type of love but i dunno, love is all the same if you think about it. and that envy just hit me all at once when i knew that i couldn't feel any of his love ever again, regardless of how much of it i got. it's stupid, though, how i felt because all this time i've been hiding from you and from the band and from everyone else who cared about him. instead, we should be together. because it's obvious that none of us are dealing with it very well by ourselves." i pause for a moment and sweep my tongue across my bottom lip, looking down at my hands. "i-i really am sorry. and i hope that you can forgive me." i say in conclusion and glance at her for a second before looking back down. 

willow stays quiet for a minute before i hear her sniffle and wipe her eyes. i look up at her as she speaks, "it's okay. really. i know how much you loved him." she says and nods, biting her lip. 

i nod slowly and play with my rings as i try to think of what to say. finally i come up with, "are we okay?" 

she laughs, "no. we're definitely not okay." she says and a laugh escapes my own lips. our laughter picks up and soon enough we're both falling backwards, laughing hysterically. 

"yes," she says after catching her breath. "we are." she reassures me and opens her arms for a hug. i smile softly and crawl over to her, hugging her back. 

this is the start of a new beginning. i'm not okay right now, but i think eventually i will be.