god, the universe, and everything in between

four

i remember learning in health class about something called "suicidal behavior." increasing abuse of alcohol or drugs and reckless behavior fall under this umbrella. of course, at the time i didn't think that it was very important to have this knowledge. it was just another spoonful of information that i was being force fed to by my high school teachers. total bull, right?

before he died, ryker showed all the signs. every. single. one. and i ignored all of them. i beat myself up for it everyday.

there was one time in particular when he did something that worried me the most. we were at a party, as usual, at our friend jared's house. we did this every weekend. we had a routine: we drove to jared's house, drank until we couldn't feel our faces anymore, probably find somewhere to do it, and then whoever was the most sober after that (which was hardly ever ryker) would drive us home before my parents woke up. 

"hey, grant? have you seen ryker anywhere? i can't find him." i said into grant's ear after i found him and some random dude in a sweaty corner of the house. my heart skipped a beat for my brother, who would have been heartbroken to see this. they had a thing. no one knew, or so they thought. 

"no, i haven't." he replied simply and pushed the guy away from his neck as he tried to talk to me.

"okay, uh, if you see him... tell him to find me?" i asked and bit my lip. grant nodded and gave me a 'will do' before turning back to the man and attaching their lips once more.

i crossed my arms over my chest as i wandered around jared's house. i did this often, but this time something felt off. my ryker radar was seriously glitching. the needle was pointing south while i was walking north, if you know what i mean.

eventually i had the genius idea to check to see if the car was still parked in our spot. we parked in the same place every time because it was easy to get out of. our space was under this huge oak tree in the corner of someone's yard that lived at the end of jared's street. horrible pollen in the spring, but it was a damn pretty tree.

the night was warm and humid. it had rained earlier that day, so the rainwater was still simmering on the warm pavement. i tucked some hair behind my ear as i stepped out on the asphalt, making my way down the street. my heartbeat was increasing, but i ignored it. i had gotten good at ignoring it.

as i approached the end of the street, i exhaled to find ryker's jeep still parked. i could have turned around then, but something in me knew to keep going.

"sage!" ryker exclaimed and threw his arms up in the air, spilling corona onto the seat in the process. "you're just in time, baby." he said with an inflection that made my heart swell.

"for what? what are you doing, they're about to start flip cup without you." i said gently as i approached him. i brushed some hair out of his eyes and he looked up at me, a shimmer of desperation present in his gaze. 

"you know that hill, the really big one? what's it called, uh..." he began as he rested his hands on my hips.

"deadman's?" i asked, raising my eyebrows.

"yes! that's the one. i think it'd be fun to drive down it in good old viper." he laughed, patting the dashboard of the car.

"ryker, are you crazy? that's not a hill, it's a cliff." i replied in disbelief.

"it's a hill, sage. of all people, you should know." he said simply, pulling away from me. "anyway, come on. you can watch." he patted the seat beside him and i bit my lip.

"why can't i do it with you?"

"because i could die, silly. i don't want you to." he said like it was the most normal thing in the world. i looked at him for a long moment, my heart breaking at the thought of a world without him. what an empty, soulless world that would be.

"come on." i told him and held out my arms. for a moment he just sat there staring at me, but i looked at him pleadingly. "please." i added quietly.

he compliantly got out of the car and wrapped his arms around me, scooping me up into an embrace that could heal any wound without a question. i hugged him back and held on to him tighter than i ever had before. "do you really love me?" ryker asked after a long while without pulling away.

 i paused for a second before answering, "more than anything else in the entire universe."

"you sure?"

"never been more sure of anything."

ryker felt reassured by this. i could tell because every muscle in his body relaxed at once. he pulled away from our long embrace only to connect our lips to form a kiss driven by all of the love and passion in the entire world.