Chubby ✔️

I Cried

⚠️warning,⚠️ this chapter can be triggering. I want you to stay safe. So, just be careful. And don't forget, you're awesome and you've got a great smile! Have a nice day! 🙃

A month later

I silently close my bedroom door shut and let my bag fall from my shoulder and onto the floor. I walk to my dresser and look at myself in the mirror. As I examine myself for a few short seconds, I turn around in disgust.
I am fat. I am ugly. I deserve to be alone.

I take my sneakers off and open my dresser drawer, deciding to take a warm shower. I don't look up in the mirror as I rummage for clothes in the drawer. I don't want to look at myself to know how disgusting I am.
My phone dings and all movement comes to a halt. I look at my phone as I gulp in fear and pick it up.
I'm not surprised when I see a video some anonymous number sent me with an incredibly hurtful message underneath. It's a video of me getting hit in the face with a basketball.
A crack is heard as the ball comes in contact with my nose and what surprises me is that the camera caught the sound.
I close the video and walk to the bathroom, making sure to grab my razor on the way.

As the warm water runs down my back, I sit on the tiled floor with my razor in hand. The shower water mixes with the tears and it's hard to tell them apart. But what's obvious is the trickle of blood that runs down my leg and mixes with the water on the floor.
I let out a pathetic whimper as I press the blade a little harder and scold myself inside.

After I'm done with my...refreshing shower, I change into a loose hoodie and sweats and climb into bed, my stomach growling in protest due to the lack of food in it since last night's apple and a glass of water.
I lay back down and look at the ceiling as silent tears run down my face and soak into the pillow. I turn onto my right side and close my eyes, failing to keep the endless tears at bay.
I don't know when I fell asleep. I tried my best to stay awake because every time I close my eyes I see things I experience on a daily basis.

Tonight was no different. I wake up, gasping and sweating as I claw at my neck, trying to get the hand choking me to let go; finding myself in hysterics when I open my eyes to find my own hand gripping my neck tightly.
I look at the time and sigh out loud when I see that it's 3 am.

It's always been the same ever since he left. I wake up at night and wonder if he'll pick up when I call but then think of the worst and don't call. I think of him during the day, wondering how his life is going and whether I should find out by calling but stop myself as I realize he probably forgot about me.

I get up from the bed and go to the bathroom. As I'm washing my hands, I accidentally glance at myself and do a double take. I have finger marks on my throat. What I'm wondering is if they're mine.
I get a sudden idea and look at my fingers. I look at myself and then back at my fingers.

Without pondering over the thought for too long, I stick two fingers inside my throat and gag as I throw up in the toilet. The tears stream down my face as I throw up and I grip the toilet with two hands to prevent myself from collapsing. The action clearly backfires as I crash on my knees and cough up whatever little I had consumed last night.

After I think I've thrown all of my insides out, I fall back and lean against the wall. I see my phone in the room and clumsily get up, in a haste to get to it.
I want to talk to him. Only he can calm me down. He's the only one who knows.

I press the call button and sob violently as it rings. The sobs don't stop and I try to muffle the noise with my hand as much as I can.

The ringing ends and a familiar voice speaks up, "Hello?"
My sobs immediately stop and I hold my breathe.
He continues, "Hello? Who is this?"
I open my mouth to speak but stop myself at the last moment. If he finds out it's me, he may never pick up from this number again.

"If you're not going to talk, I'm ending the call now."

A silent breathe escapes me as the tears now fall faster than ever.
I panic, thinking he recognized me and end the call.

I clutch my head in my hands as I try to pull myself together.

I've never felt so alone.

•••

I'm sitting in the little bay window and looking out the window through the little chink between the pale blue curtains, when my bedroom door opens and walks in Casper.

I look at him and put on a fake smile, the one I've been wearing around Natalie, Joe and Casper.
"Aunt Lilo, can you tell me the time?" He asks me as he stands in the doorway, grasping the doorknob with both hands as he hangs a little from it.
I nod my head and look at the time on my phone, "it's 5 pm, Casper. Why do you ask?"
He stops playing with the doorknob and looks at me shyly, "because last night I saw on the tv that Tom and Jerry will start everyday at 5 o'clock."

This time, a genuine small smile stretches across my face, "Then I think you should watch it before it ends."
His eyes light up at this and he nods elatedly and bolts down the stairs.

I sigh and look out the window once again, noticing how a little girl walks down the street with one hand clutched in her mother's and one in her father's.
I don't hold back the tears like I had been for the past two hours.
Crying is a normal thing for me nowadays.
This time, I cried for my Mom.
I cried for my Dad.
I cried for myself.

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*sniffle*
God.
I'm getting a wee bit emotional here.
Don't mind me.
Scroll on to the next chapter.

Thanks for reading,
Teddy🐾