Chubby ✔️

Hate Myself

⚠️warning!⚠️ this chapter can be triggering. Be careful. You have been warned.
That being said: carry on reading.

"She's doing very well. She might have concussion which will get better over time but her hand injury is recovering at an impressive speed."
The door opens and the voice leaves as it closes.

I hear shuffling next to me and a moment later I feel the warmth of a hand in mind and a head resting over both. The door opens once more and whispers and tiny footsteps are the only things you can hear in the room, aside from the constant beeping of the machines.

"How's she doing?" Natalie asks quietly and I feel a feminine hand on my forehead. A deep sigh comes from my left but nothing else.

"Momma, is Aunt Lilo going to be okay?" Casper mumbles and I hear Theodore respond quickly.

"She's going to be fine, champ. Come here," I feel someone take hold of my hand join it with a tiny one. "She's listening to you right now. You wanna tell her something?"

"Get well soon, Aunt Lilo. I miss you. Buzz misses you too."

Small chuckles echo around the room and I want to laugh or open my eyes as well but it's easier said than done.

"Come on Casp," Joe says. "Let's go get Momma and Theo something to eat." A moment later the door closes and silence engulfs the room.

"Is this enough proof for you, yet? Theodore speaks bitterly and I hear a deep intake of air from Natalie.

"I'm sorry, Theo," she whispers back, defeated.

"I don't care about anything else. She's joining online school- Willow?" At that time, my body decides to finally respond and my eyes snap open. Everything is hazy and blurry. I lift my neck and look to my right, to find a blurry shape of a person move toward me. I feel an arm go around my waist and I'm lifted up, ever so carefully into a sitting position. I move my hands and reach up to rub the haze away. When I open my eyes again, I see everything clearly.
Theodore and Natalie are looking at me, anxiously waiting for any sign of pain on my face. I look at them both and whisper, "I'm fine." It comes out hoarse and Natalie hands me a glass of water.

The door opens back again and Casper gasps and runs over to me, throwing his tiny arms around me. I hug him back and he whispers so quietly, I would've missed it if we weren't so close, "You're okay."

The doctor walks in and starts checking my vitals and asking me questions, checking my memory.
"I think she's going to be just fine." He tells everyone with a smile and they all nod, relieved.

•••

Theodore drives as I sit in the passenger seat and Natalie, Joe and Casper are in the other car.
The drive is awkward, to say the least.

I don't know what to say? What do I even say?
Thanks for saving me again? Oh and what were you saying back there while I lay on the floor?

I shake my head at myself and continue to look out the window, almost smashing my face against it when I hear him speak, "How're you feeling?"

I nod my head and glance at him, "I'm fine, thanks. How're you?"

The corners of his mouth tilt up a little and he replies, "I'm fine." I nod my head and go back to looking at the rapidly fading view.

I just want to get in my warm bed and lie down with the warmth cocooning me into an illusion of safety.

He parks the car in be driveway right behind Joe's and I tug the door open, trying my best to speed things up so I can lie in bed and go to sleep.

I wince as I take each step on the stairs, but I freeze when an arm coils around my waist and eases the weight of my body from my feet.
I keep looking at the floor and continue walking, knowing that if I look up I'll have to look into Theodore's hypnotic eyes.

He opens the door for me and let's me pass through first.
I make my way in and try my hardest to walk to the staircase as fast as my recovering body will let me. I feel the prickly feeling of someone staring and I ignore it as I continue to make my way to my room.

I let my body sink onto the plush mattress and pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes, falling asleep instantly.

•••

I look at myself in the mirror as the shower water's getting warm shake my head as I turn around, gripping the sink in my hands and leaning back against it.

My eyes roam around the bathroom and halt when they land on the little brown dresser that contains all the towels and products. Without thinking, I open the drawer and start clumsily rummaging through it to find the thing I desperately need right now.

I think i hear someone knock but the excitement I feel as my fingers clutch onto the object blocks everything out, like a blanket covering over all of my senses, with nothing inside the blanket except that one object.
I pull my hand out of the drawer with the object still in a tight grip and smile in relief when I look at it.

I sit on the floor and lean back against the tub, making slices into my pale skin. Drops of red splatter onto my beige pajama bottoms but I'm too busy to care.
A clear drop mixes with the blood and I realize I'm crying.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I. Hate. Myself.

The door slams open and before me, stands a panic-stricken Theodore as he pants and his eyes widen to the size of golf balls as he notices the position I'm in.

He takes a step back and I whimper at him, "I hate myself."

That seems to break him out of whatever trance he was in and he rushes in, taking the razor from my and chucking it away; wrapping his arms around me and shushing me.
His body jolts with a dry sob and I clutch onto his t-shirt as I let out sobs of my own.

I don't know how long we sat there on the floor, holding each other as the other breaks but I feel my eyes close and he pulls away, grabbing my wrists and examining them.
I feel him pick me up, as if I weigh nothing.
That's not true though. I know I weigh a lot and his arms probably ache from the effort.

I keep my eyes closed, not knowing when I fall asleep but the last thing I remember hearing is a voice shaking as it mumbles out loud,

"I don't want you to hurt anymore. It's breaking me inside. No more. Please, no more. I can't."