Before, I used to think that maybe... Maybe I'm "Enough" for everyone in my family. That I'm worth being around. That I'm capable of reaching the goal they foresaw me achieve. To them, I thought I make them smile and tell me they're proud of me. Because there's nothing more important than being acknowledged by your family. At least, that's how I felt.
I had continued to believe this "I'm enough" mentality until I turned blue in the face. Just that simple thought had been the reason to get out of bed. To spin in the middle of the floor saying random gibberish and laughing like an maniac. I felt as if I was getting some sort of praise; or maybe a "That's my son" Smile on they're faces but...
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
*Breathing become irregular in disheveled*
"I WISH I HAD A ABORTION WITH YOU."
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART?"
" 'CAN' YOU COMPREHEND WHAT I'M SAYING?"
"YOU STUPID. DUMB-ASS."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT TO SAY."
" I DO IT BECAUSE I WANT TO."
"I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU AN ANSWER."
"I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO YOU."
"YOU DON'T DO SHIT."
"ALL YOU DO IS GO TO THE LIBRARY ALL DAY AND PLAY FUCKING GAMES."
"WHENEVER I ASK YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU NEVER DO IT."
.......
WAIT! YOU'RE WRONG!
I TAKE OUT THE TRASH!
I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CLEANS THE BATHROOM!
I CLEAN MY ROOM!
MY BROTHER'S TOO!
'I' AM 'NOT' A FAILURE!
JUST TELL ME YOU'RE PROUD!
I DON'T JUST PLAY GAMES!
I ENTER JOB APPLICATIONS!
I'M TRYING!
BELIEVE ME!
I'M LEARNING HOW TO PROPERLY WRITE MY OWN RESUME'S!
I'M GETTING HELP FROM SO MANY PEOPLE BUT 'YOU!'
I WANT TO MAKE YOU PROUD!
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE WITH YOU!
I TRY AND YOU TOSS MY EFFORTS OUT THE WINDOW AND FROWN!
SAYING THINGS TO ME YOU WOULDN'T DARE SAYING TO OTHER PEOPLE!
I'M ONLY 18!
I NEED 'YOUR' EFFORT!
NOT MY SISTERS! NOR MY YOUNGER BOTHER!
JUST 'YOU' MOM!
WHAT IS EFFORT TO YOU?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
MONEY?
DRUGS?
FAME?
SOMEONE TO BABY YOU LIKE YOU'RE SOME HANDICAP?
I WANT LOVE FROM YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN GET A THANK YOU FOR TAKING OUT THE TRASH!
SOMETHING 'YOU' COULD DO BUT I CHOSE TO!
BECAUSE I WANT TO GAIN SOME SORT OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FROM YOU!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!
YOUR 'SON!'
I ONLY WANT YOU TOO AT 'LEAST' MAKE ME FEEL AS IF I DID SOMETHING TO APPEASE YOU!
WE BOTH SHARE THIS INFAMOUS PRIDE WITHIN EACH OTHER BUT...
EVEN STILL, I KNOW I WANT 'YOUR' ACCEPTANCE!
WHY DO YOU THINK I TRY SO HARD?
DO YOU THINK DEPRESSION FEELS GOOD?
DO YOU THINK IT'S SOME 'PHASE' THAT EVERY 18 YEAR OLD GOES THROUGH?
EVEN BEFORE 18, MY MIND'S BEEN EVERYWHERE BUT TRYING TO BE HAPPY!
BEFORE NOW, I WOULD PICTURE MYSELF COMMITTING SUICIDE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!
TO BE HONEST, IT KINDA FASCINATED ME!
NOW, IT'S BECOME A GOAL TO ACHIEVE!
I 'WON'T' WAVER FROM THIS!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY TO FAKE APPRECIATE ME NOW...
IT WILL ALL BE FOR NAUGHT...
I'M STILL GONNA DIE...
3 MONTHS AFTER MAY,31,2020
THE 20TH OF AUGUST.
I WILL DIE BEFORE EVEN REACHING ADULTHOOD.
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT.
I'M WEAK.
PATHETIC.
RIGHT?
RIGHT, MOM?
OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T CARE, RIGHT?
YOU SHOULD'VE HAD A ABORTION WITH ME, RIGHT?
WELL, WAIT NO LONGER BECAUSE I'LL LEAVE.
SOONER THAN YOU THINK.
THE FAKE SMILE'S I GIVE EVERYONE.
THE PATIENCE I SPREAD...
KNOWING YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME.
BUT I'M STILL CLUTCHING TO THIS FEATHER OF HOPE.
IT LINGERS...
BUT IT'LL LEAVE...
WHEN IT DOES, I'LL LEAVE TOO.
YOU ARE READING
Catching Thoughts
DiversosI mean, this is a book of thought up stories that consist of randomness. It's more to the book but nothing more. I guess it's something to write as i build up my plot for my upcoming books. To reassure every person reading this, EVERYTHING that i a...
