9/19/18
Today...wasn't really great. I felt like I was just trying to drift along, like I couldn't do anything but drift along and try to do what I could.
Math is really different this year. Last year, it was easy, almost too easy with some difficult stuff here and there. I could finish work in half the time my classmates did with more right answers. I sound like a dickhead saying that but it was true.
Now I feel like I'm the dumbest (or at least close to it. Apparently, I did so well last year they put me in Algebra 1 ahead of time with some other smart kids. I don't understand what I'm doing and I'm frustrated I can't keep up. I can't be where I want to be. I've been failing tests and quizzes back to back and it's only the third week of school. I have a C+. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but it is to me. I'm an A person and I don't want to be anything less. But I'm beat. I'll probably ask about extra credit tomorrow when I have the class.
I've also been having an existential crisis. Again. I was peacefully listening to music when I suddenly thought that one day, all this will be gone. No more k-pop, no more peaceful Sunday's, no more laughing with friends, no more Mom, Sarah, or Sean. And no more me either. I'll just stop existing. And I don't know where I'll go from there. And I hope it's a good place. I want to find peace in death yet there's this part of me that will always cower in fear of it. I'm terrified of this comfortable existence being gone in a snap. Of feeling inadequate when it's time for me to go. That the only way I'll be remembered is through the existence of others. But it won't matter if I'm remembered because I won't know. Or will I? I don't know. I never do.
And that is it for this Ted Talk. I hope you enjoyed. (What am I kidding literally no one reads this.)
