FOR ALL THE GIRLS !

10. entry

[ YOU DESERVE TO BE FOUGHT FOR,
REMEMBER THAT !
— the better man project. ]

♡

Dear diary,

On the first day of fifth grade, my teacher asked me to write an essay about myself.

I ended that essay with, "I hate myself."

She consulted me after class, asking why I thought that. I shrugged my head and said I had no idea why. She told me to change it to "I love myself."

If only she knew that just a change of a word wasn't enough.

I've tried killing myself a couple times.

I'm such a suicidal bitch aren't I?

It just happens you know. Maybe one day I'm cutting the vegetables, preparing ingredients for my omelette when I feel the weight of the knife and I don't know why, but sometimes I turn that knife around, aiming it at my chest.

I never do it.

Maybe I actually want to live.

But then again maybe I don't. I'm actually really scared of horror movies and my sister forces me to watch them with her. She doesn't know the word no so I have to watch it with her. My eyes are closed half the time but I still get scared in the end.

The way I calm my fear is this thought,

"You can come and kill me or whatever I don't care anymore."

It actually works. I don't mind dying.

But when I try to jump, or do something else I just don't.

Sometimes I think of the pain I would've caused my mother and father. The investment they've made in me, everything would be for nought.

But then sometimes I also think "that'll show them. They'll only care when I'm gone."

It's how I feel right now. I'm so done with life. If I'm accidentally found crying apparently there's something wrong with me. If I ask for a therapist I'm stupid. If I tell people what's wrong with me after days of them pestering ME asking what's wrong they tell me that I'm stupid and that what I'm worrying about is super insignificant.

Does no one actually care about me? I don't know. Maybe they do. Maybe I should just give up. I'm never going to lose weight anyways. I'll probably never get signed to an agency anyway. And I'll never be able to live with myself if I didn't get what I wanted anyways.

I've never been able to kill myself, I'm too scared but, I've been through worse, losing blood, internally bleeding and getting water in my lungs. Dying is nothing compared to the pain I've felt throughout these years.

I've cried for days on end. Cried into my pillow, hiccuping and my mother almost never notices. I make sure she doesn't because she'll tell me that I'm stupid for crying anyways.

I've never been able to kill myself but maybe, today I will.

EXEUNT !