Always - Kim Namjoon Centric

When I started to heal,

Namjoon was walking through the night in the lonely park. It had been three months since his mark disappeared. Three months since his heat stopped. Three months since he stopped having a pack.

After the initial calming down, Namjoon had gone to the doctor for a check up on why his heat had stopped. The doctor had informed him that he was one of those rare omegas that didn't have heats when they were unmated. Namjoon had burst into tears at that. The kind doctor, after seeing Namjoon's pitiful state, gave him an appointment with a psychologist.

Namjoon had looked at the appointment paper and had refused to go. It had been only two days since the bite had disappeared back then. But after thinking a while, he had realized the doctor might help him choose what he was supposed to do, as he was lost and in shambles.

Meeting the psychologist was one of the best decision Namjoon might have made, if not the best decision. Goo Hwanju was everything Namjoon wasn't. He was smart, wise, collected and the best alpha Namjoon had recently met. Although he was older than even Bang Shi Hyuk, that factor just made him all the wiser, as the added years gave him more experience. The time Namjoon spent every Sunday with Dr. Hwanju was calming and healing at the most. Even now, Namjoon was waiting for the old man at the swing of the park.

Namjoon had stopped going to the dorms. He was living with BangPD for the meantime. It had been Dr. Hwanju's idea since he thought that distance might give Namjoon more time to heal. Namjoon was still the BTS leader, so he still communicated with the rest of the members. The first month had been absolute torture. Everything about the members had Namjoon in tears. It had been a relief that they weren't releasing any albums directly after The most Beautiful moment in life part 3, or else Namjoon might've not made it.

The second month, with the help of Hwangju, Namjoon learned to control himself as he had talked to at least Yoongi and Hoseok about the album making and such. The third month; which was the present, Namjoon talked with all of the members. Well, at least when they were recording the album. Wings was a healing album, not only for the fans but for Namjoon himself, so Namjoon made sure the boys recorded it properly. Even if it meant keeping the boys overnight in the studio making the recording last long as it had with Taehyung.

Namjoon stopped pushing the swing further when he heard the soft footsteps of a slow foot due to old age. The night air was crisp and cold, but Namjoon was sweating. It might've had something to do with how much he had exercised in the previous two hours. The swing seat beside him was occupied, and Namjoon heard the small groan of protest from the hold.

Namjoon looked at his side and saw the Ahjussi's hands outstretched towards him. Namjoon caught them and gave the man a small smile, signaling that he was okay. That was what it was, days when he wanted to speak about his feelings and his depression, he would not hold the man's hand. But when he wanted to not say a thing and be quiet; he would hold it. Namjoon didn't understand it at first, but he was saved from the 'How are you?' that he seemed to hate more with every passing day, as he always had to lie.

"It's such a pretty night, isn't it Namjoon?" Namjoon nodded and started swinging again. "What do you think of the moon?" Namjoon looked up at the round thing, that was, with all it's glory, sitting there claiming her throne.

"Its a pretty interesting question Ahjussi, I believe that the moon is just an inanimate version of us, we humans tend to think of each other as perfect, forgetting about all their faults and imperfections. It's pretty strange, I guess. I mean, think about it, we humans want to believe the best of each other, we think that the other might not have any troubles or sadness, that they might not be facing eclipses when in reality, everyone is fighting a battle of their own. "

The man hummed, and Namjoon thought that this closed their conversation. But the man spoke up after a while.

"Namjoon-ah, ..." Hwangju began in a soft tone. Namjoon stopped the swing and looked up at the man, facing him.

"It's so sad, isn't it? The moon we see, the moon we deem as perfect, the moon we think must think of himself with pride and glory is perhaps unaware of itself. Think about it, it can't see itself for what we see it as. It can't think of himself like it's helping millions to see light in the darkness. It might only think of himself useless, orbiting around Earth for a reason unknown to itself. It might hate itself with all its might. That's so sad and heartbreaking. "

Namjoon thought about it, and suddenly his heart filled with empathy for an object that might not even have actual feelings. "We humans are like that Namjoon-ah, we don't know why we are orbiting in this world, we don't know our purpose, we don't know our use. So in our ignorance, we consider ourselves useless. Sometimes it's better to wait to find our purpose out then jumping to conclusions. The first time you spoke to me, you said you were useless. It bothered me a lot. "

Namjoon was speechless. Deep in thought, he started to see what the old man really meant.

The rest of the night was spent the same way. Dr. Hwangju asking him something and then Namjoon answering him, which the wise doctor returned with a philosophical version which Namjoon might've never considered before him.

The next morning, Namjoon walked back towards his studio, looking around the falling leaves in the park,  feeling very light-hearted and emotional. That was what he had gotten used to, talking to the man every single time made him feel like he was looking at the world for the first time. The man talked about a completely different topic then they were discussing, but it was always randomly related to it. Namjoon was grateful and extremely satisfied after it.

Namjoon closed his eyes, and for once, let himself miss his friends, his pack members, his once upon a Time Forever.

He closed his eyes, letting the lyrics come to him like a revelation.

I miss you,

Every time I say that; I miss you more.