Bubble Stories

Existing

We walk home from school together in silence. The events that went down today really harmed our frienship, I could tell. I knew as soon as I said yes to him, that Hannah would have a problem with it. She had been there when he broke up with me. She was the one who picked up the pieces and put me back together.

But she wasn't there when the pieces stopped fitting together.  She wanted the old me back, someone who could fit into her perfect life. When she figured out that that wasn't possible, she stopped trying. She left when I needed her most.

She clears her throat, braking the silence between us. "So you're with him again?" she looks at me disaprovingly. Its understandable though. I mean, he did crush me the last time we tried being together. I just fail to understand why she's so surprised. This was the only way I knew how to fix what he broke. The only way to get back the old me. The me that she wanted.

I'm not even sure if I still want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I just want someone to talk to. Someone that listens to me and laughs at my dumb jokes. Someone who waits for me in the halls the same way I wait for Hannah.

I just don't want to feel alone anymore. Hannah doesn't understand what that feels like. How isolating it is.

"Why is it so surprising?" clutching my book to my chest like a shield.

"Because you were 'over him'. You told me that you didn't want anything to do with him ever again."

"Well, I guess I was wrong."

She looked at me for a moment, pity in her eyes. "When you use to say you missed him, I thought you were joking."

I choke out a laugh. "You thought I was joking? I'm surprised you even heard me."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"You barely listen to me anymore. Its always about you! Your job, your boyfeiend, your club friends! I just don't fit into your life anymore."

"So that's why you're with him? Because you need attention?" I walk next to her in silence, feeling weak with shame. She clears her throat. "There's better ways of getting that. You don't need to hurt yourself in the process."

I look down. "I won't hurt myself." She didn't understand. I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing this for her.

"Yes, you will. He's going to use you and dump you. He's done it before. He's not a permanent fix to this."

I stop and look at her, my heart cracking into pieces. "I don't care if its permanent. I just want to exist to someone for a while."

Then something in me broke and I couldn't keep the tears from coming. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closed. I held onto her as if she was my only tether to reality, like I'd drift far away from this world without her here.

There was so many unspoken words between us that would never be said. So many mistakes and short comings that have happened that an apology could never change. But now it didn't matter, because this was all I needed. I just needed her to see me. For everything else to fade away and for her to acknowledge me. For the first time in such a long time, I was okay.

For the first time in a long time, I existed.