Shattered - Terrorladd

Chapter One

Are you feeling it yet?

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Saturday 22nd of September 2018

i lay on my sofa and started at the ceiling. the mustard, yellow ceiling. i remember when i was with my mum she kept saying about how vibrant this colour of yellow was, how it was ecstatic and neon.. but i don't see the brightness. i see a dark, dirty, rotten and faded yellow. more of a mustard, i must say.

my mum was always the jolly type, smiling all the time and telling me how much i made her world brighter. but, no matter how much she tried for me, she not anyone else could ever make my life colourful.

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my walls were supposed to be a maroon or burgundy type of colour, but it was brown or almost black. it was so disgusting and ugly but everyone always complimented my apartment. well they used to.

that was until i stopped having people over, lost hope and connection, stopped talking to everyone and stopped existing. when was the last time i talked to anyone except my cat?

yes, i have a black cat. a black cat for the sake of old superstitions and the fact that maybe it sees the darkness the way i do. her name is feather, her fur is so fluffy and soft even though she is patchy. i found her crying and shivering in a drain in the meer darkness of a dodgey alleyway. but, she found happiness within when i picked her up and scooped her into my arms. maybe my darkness can be her light. or, maybe her eyes will cancel out colour like mine do. either way, i wouldn't get rid of her for the world.

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whilst i took more looks around my house before work i began to stare at things i'd never noticed. like how in family photos i'm hardly in any or everyone is slightly away from me. am i really that lonely?

i stares down at a photo of my mum, regretting having not talked to her in months. or, has it been years? what day is it? what year is it? i don't know, i don't have a calendar. i don't celebrate anything so i don't need reminders on my fridge or bedroom door.

what's there to celebrate?

what's there to even look forward too when your life is so black and white. notice how i never say grey? things aren't grey. they're simple. when things go grey, you've got your all time low... i don't want my colours to mix yet, i can feel the tiniest bit of hope burning away my insides trying to desperately reach the top.

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swiping my shitty green hat on and hair net, whilst also putting on my name badge and tie i looked at myself. i looked at myself in detail.

i see scares on my arms, hidden by a translucent white blouse and the tie wrapped around my neck making me look way more formal than i am. then the hat covering my hair i probably haven't washed in weeks. the shoes i see every day in my hallway and dread to put on. the car keys i don't like to touch because i don't like the fear of leaving my house. the same black jacket draping over a chair that was once my grandmothers, still hasn't moved. and probably won't move. i like the thought of the coldness and rain hitting your hidden skin and bare face. it makes you feel alive.

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i get into my car, and drive towards the McDonalds i've been working at for the same five years. honestly, it gets extremely tiring after one day let alone 1,820 of them. it was in fact my fifth year anniversary today, but nobody knew i existed in my job. honestly no-one except my manager, he tried his best to look after me.

but i don't need looking after, i just need looking out for.