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I Don't Love You

It had been a few days since Gerard had kissed me. Those few days were spent locked in my room. I didn't want to see Gerard. Didn't want to see his perfect face. I didn't want to hear him speak. I didn't even want to be near him. It would hurt too much. 

I hadn't even realized how much I liked Gerard,until he told me we couldn't be together. I guess what they say is true, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Now I couldn't stop thinking about him. Wondering what he was doing, if he was feeling just as low as I was. I remembered every line and detail on his face. The way he moved, the way he talked. I remembered everything. And that wasn't exactly helping me stop crying.

I just laid in bed all day,staring out the window. I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten. Elise had came up to check on me regularly, asking if I needed anything. I always said no,refusing to look at her. I knew that I was hurting her feelings,and I did feel bad,but right now, I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to stare out my window until the sun made me go blind. Maybe then I wouldn't have to see Gerard's face. But I knew better than to think that just because I didn't see it physically,didn't mean it wasn't in my head. But maybe as I grew older,the image would start to fade until it would be nothing. I could only hope.

It was early morning, and I was doing my usual : staring out the window. I was laying in bed though,and that was fine, I could see the outside perfectly from here. I didn't have the energy to walk to the window. It turns out that when you don't eat for like 5 days, you really have no energy to do anything. So I just laid in bed. It wasn't like I was going to be doing anything else.

Elise knocked lightly before coming in,holding a platter of food. Eggs and bacon and orange juice. I sighed,pulling the blanket over my face. 

"I don't want anything,Elise." I said,muffled by the blanket. I heard metal being slammed down on a table and I jumped,pulling the covers off my head quickly. Elise looked more angry than I had ever seen her.

"I'm getting real tired of your shit, Miss Iero." she said,loudly. I just gasped. I had never heard her curse before.

"Elise!" I nearly shrieked.

"Don't you Elise me! I am very disappointed in you, Miss Iero. All you've been doing is laying around in bed all day,refusing to eat, refusing to come downstairs! Now WHAT is going on?!" she asked,sitting down beside me on the bed. I sighed,pulling the covers over my shoulders.

"You don't already know? I'm surprised that Gerard hasn't told everyone." I muttered,staring out the window.

"Mr. Way has told me nothing." she said,calmer now. Relief washed over me in waves. 

"Good. I really don't want to talk about it, Elise. It's kind of personal." I said,quietly. She sat there for a moment. 

"Ohh.. I understand." she said,seeming to know exactly what had happened. I nodded,pouting. 

"Well.. I guess I'll leave you alone now. Just call if you need anything." she said,patting me on the leg as she got up. I nodded, still staring out the window. I heard the door close a few moments later  and I sighed,rolling over on my back. 

She had left the tray of food on my bedside table. I groaned, reaching for the tray. I ate the eggs and bacon and my stomach was making satisfied grumbling sounds. I decided it was time to get up and face Gerard, if he was up and around that is. 

I took a much needed shower,got dressed and left my room,feeling a bit better about myself. I was walking down the stairs when I heard Gerard's voice by the door. I stopped,watching him in shock. A woman was leaving. She was a blond,pretty, but dressed about as slutty as she could get away with. Panic started rising in my chest. Why was she here?? Who was she?? Questions started flying through my brain faster than I could process them. 

They just stood by the door,talking. Gerard was smiling warmly,touching her arm occasionally. She laughed, a sickening sound. She opened the door and was about to leave when Gerard stopped her. He brought her closer to him....and kissed her. It went on for a few minutes. They were actually making out in front of the door. Eventually she pulled away,smacking his chest playfully. She said something and I barely caught "...thought you got enough last night." he shrugged,grinning. She giggled again and I nearly ripped out my hair in disgust.

She finally left,closing the door behind her. He sighed in contentment,leaning up against the door. I felt like passing out,throwing up and crying at the same time. Why was he seeing other women?? 

I stopped myself after that thought. He wasn't mine,and I wasn't his. He had the right to have women over. He had the right to do what he wanted..even though it was killing me. I guess he wasn't as low as I was. He already had moved on from our kiss. He probably didn't care about me like I did for him. I was just a child.

I took a deep breath,walking down the stairs slowly. I didn't look at him,even when he saw me. I walked over to the couch and sat down,staring at the television which was conveniently still on. 

"Kaley..How are you feeling?" he asked,walking over slowly. 

"I'm fine, Gerard." I said. Cold. Short. Disgusted. He was silent for a moment. 

"That's good.." he said,walking to the stairs.

"Who was that woman?" I asked,before he could get away. I heard him stop walking behind me. I didn't turn around though. I didn't want to look at him. He walked back over to stand beside the couch. 

"Uh..that was- uh.. her name's.." he said,scrunching up his eyebrows,trying to remember. I looked up at him, incredulous.

"YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME?!" I nearly screamed. His eyes widened and he backed away a little.

"Uh..Of course I do..um.." he said. The silence stretched on and on. He sighed,looking at me again,ashamed. "Yeah.. I don't remember."  I scoffed,getting up from the couch.

"Well.. I'm glad that in the time that I've been crying my eyes out, starving myself, and worrying about you, you've be whoring around with these women that you can't even remember the names of." I said in disgust as I got up off the couch and walked to the stairs. 

"Why?" he asked,loudly. I stopped,turning around to face him. 

"Why,what?" I asked, glaring at him.

"Why were you crying,and starving yourself, and worrying about me?" he asked,like he really couldn't understand. I just looked at him. 

"Why wouldn't I? It hurts, Gerard. That we can't be together. I know that I probably don't mean anything to you-"

"Why wouldn't you mean something to me?! This hurts me too, you know!"

"Oh so that's why your fucking chicks already?!" 

"WE NEVER HAD ANYTHING!" he screamed. I was silent for a moment as I just stared back at him. 

"Really? You see, to me, I really felt something for you. I thought a kiss meant something. But apparently, I was wrong. I mean, how could you ever feel anything for me? I'm just a stupid child. Who cares if you led her on and then crushed her heart. She'll get over it,right? She's got years ahead of her to forget about you. A kiss couldn't do that much damage,right?" I finished,as the tears spilled over my eyes. He looked like he was about to cry himself. 

"You disgust me, Gerard. I have feelings too. I am NOT, a child. I've been through more in 11 years,than you have in your entire life. Slavery makes you grow up Gerard. A lot." I said,before turning and walking up the stairs. He didn't try to stop me. Just stood there,staring after me.

I felt worse than I did before. I hated Gerard now. Hated what he did to me. I wanted to go to bed and never wake up again. I never wanted to see Gerard again,even though I knew that was impossible. 

I didn't love Gerard like I did yesterday.