Diary and Rants

I'm sorry

I'm sorry,  mom, dad

That I wasn't the best daughter, that I am impolite to people, that I'm too shy for anyone, that I'm embarrassed because I don't speak with an American accent, that I don't study hard enough, that I don't socialize enough. 

It's not like I've not been trying to be as good as you want me too. It's not like I don't cry myself to sleep everytime you scold me, tell me that I'm an idiot because I can't solve a math problem, throw the book across because I can't solve a math problem.

It's not like I say thank you to almost every person, even the ones that hate me, that you weren't there when I talk to the nice old lady in the elevator every time I see her, it's not like I get mood swings every now and then. Am I not allowed to have mood swings for no apparent reason? 

I'm sorry if you have never seen me with my friends, how crazy and loud I am, and not embarrassed because I speak with a Chinglish accent. It's not like I don't study enough, that I try and always fail.

It's also not like you know everything about me. You think that I hate acting. You think that I like robotics. You think that I want to be an interior designer when I grow up. It's not like I have always wanted to be an actress, it's not like I hate robotics. Did you even know that I want be a chef and open my own bakery/ café? Did you even know that I have problems and drama with my "friends" every day?  

Do you even know me? 

I'm sorry, J and I

That you two have always thought that I have the best friends when you're wrong.

All of my friends are fake except for D, O, AC, and maybe M and E, but we never know. 

I guess you never have to constantly watch your back, just waiting for someone to stab you right when you're the most vulnerable.

You guys don't have lots of friends, but at least the friends you guys have are real friends that don't get jealous just because they don't want to lose you as their accessory. 

I'll give anything up for real friends, not fake ones who think I'm just as disposable as the plastic bag you placed all of your trash in.

You have it easy with the friends part. You don't know this, but you also have everything else easier than me. You two play the violin effortlessly, but I had to feel all the pain her words cut into me when she tells me I'm useless.

I'm sorry, C, 

I should have been a better friend. I shouldn't have talked to other people and make mistakes.

It's  not like I tried to be the best friend you wanted, it's not like I didn't realize how much you have changed from the girl I met in six grade, who didn't give a duck about anything, who is a bookworm, who is a fangirl, who loves art, who obsess with k pop, who have good grades, and who always has a book with her. It's not like I didn't notice that you changed. Changed way too much, while I only changed a bit, for you. 

I'm sorry that you're allowed to have other close friends like E, which made me jealous, but I can't have friends like D, who was more like a best friend than you will ever be and than you ever are. 

I'm sorry for all the time I have made you feel jealous when I'm with D and think that I have replaced you with D, but in reality, I was the one who was jealous of M, E, V, S, AS, AO, that I feel like, and even know, that I am being replaced by S, AS, and AO. I guess you never asked AO you never knew. To you, I was just the person who made you more popular, and the person posing as your "best friend".