The Real World and The Real You (Johan Liebert x Reader x Anna Liebert)

What Happened Back Then

You had figured yourself out a long, long time ago. Of course, you didn't know the 'title' or official word for it; you just understood that you felt a certain way, at certain times, with certain people. It wasn't something you talked about, as you didn't feel the need to. It was just a part of your life, and it felt like it had always been that way. There was no need to question it, or even think about it, it was, what is was, and that was fine.

Your parent's didn't know. And how could they? You never told them.

You didn't remember exactly when it started. Suddenly, your friend's parents were calling your own parents, expressing concern at your friendship with their daughter. You had overhead the phonecall, having stopped by the door to the living room, on your way to the toilet. It was past your bedtime, and you couldn't help but feel the slight thrill of bending the rules, eavesdropping on your parents while they were unaware of your presence. Besides, you were curious to hear what they were talking about.

''...Inappropriate? Now listen, they're just kids! Of course they're going to be much more affectionate with their friends, than adults would be with theirs. ...Yes, yes, I know, but don't you think she meant like a kiss on the temple or something? Yes, you asked her? I see. We'll make sure to talk to our daughter, but I'm sure it's just the kids playing around. They hardly even know what it means... goodnight.''

You had done something wrong? You didn't wait around to find out, and slipped into the bathroom quickly, as your parents began to walk out of the living room.

It was the next morning that you had 'the talk'. No, not the one about the birds and bees, but rather about kisses.

''We received a call yesterday, from the Schulz'. They said that their daughter had told them, that you had kissed her while you were in school. Now, kissing people isn't a bad thing, but the Schulz' were concerned that it would be inappropriate, and asked us to talk to you.''

You looked up from your breakfast, ''Did I do something wrong?''

Both your parents shook their head, ''No, no, of course not, sweetie. The Schulz' just aren't too happy about it...-''

''What about Linda? She didn't say that she disliked it, when we did it.''

''Yes, but her parents don't want you to kiss her.''

''Why not?! If Linda doesn't dislike it, then why is it such a problem? I don't understand, it makes no sense!''

''We know, but...'' Your father let out a sigh, before rubbing his temple, ''You're both girls...-''

''And is there something wrong with that?'' you asked with a loud voice.

''Of course there isn't... but some people think there is. We don't ever want to restrict you, but you must understand that there are certain... rules in our society, which most people follow, and while it isn't always bad to break these rules, some people may get angry if they find out,'' your father held your mothers' hand reassuringly, ''and we just don't want you to get hurt.''

But you continued anyway. In secret, of course.

When you were older, you finally understood why your parents wanted you to be cautious about it.

It was the jokes. The sneers. The disgust in their eyes, when they talked about it, as if it was a disease. How would they look at you, if they knew? You were afraid to find out, so you kept quiet. You still kissed people, but only boys. It was too risky to reveal your secret to anybody, as teenagers were some of the cruelest, backstabbing people you had ever met. But then one day, you were feeling a bit too hopeful, and decided to reveal it to a girl that you had gotten close with. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, and when she didn't respond negatively, you thought you had finally found someone you could trust.

''...What do you mean it was an accident?''

The brown-haired girl in front of your wrung her hands together, her face showing annoyance yet guilt, ''I didn't mean to! It just slipped out. I'm sure everyone will just forget about it anyway, so there's no need to be mad at me.''

They didn't forget. Oh no, they did not. In fact, you saw an increase in attention over time, instead of a decrease. Your quiet, normal life had suddenly taken an unexpected turn for the worse. It was painful, and you didn't know how to stop it.

But then it did. The bullying, the whispers and the threats did not, but the tangled knot in your chest disappeared. When they leered at you, hit you, gazed upon you with disgust, you felt something, but it was always muted. Your emotions were a campfire, but something was placed between you and the fire. You could feel the warmth from the fire, but you couldn't feel the searing, burning fire on your skin. When too close to a fire, one might feel as though their skin is burning. This sensation was lost. Only a dull heat remained.

It became hard to feel. It became hard to get out of bed, to eat, to do anything. It did not take long after that, before your parents figured out that something was wrong. It had been easy to make up lies before you changed, but with all your energy and the disappearance of your emotions, it became impossible to keep up, so you told them what had happened.

They took it in stride. They were horrified to learn what had happened, but they kept calm and took action. A few days later, (during which you had stayed home), you had dropped out of the university, distancing yourself from the toxic environment it had turned into, and despite your protests, as you did not want them to feel pressured to move, your family soon left the city for good. You were grateful for your parents' support, but at the same time their support could not fix what lingered.

Your family ended up in Heidelberg, where you would attend the Heidelberg University. You had never told your parents, but you had picked that university randomly. Your new state of self had caused your emotions to dwindle, which also meant that your interest in things had lessened. You had no interest in the subject you were studying; you had simply picked it to get far away from your old life.

It was there that you had met Nina.

A wall had been built around your heart. Within those walls you felt safe, yet longed to see beyond them. Something about Nina just pulled you closer to her, than you would have liked. You had decided to mend yourself, by isolating yourself for an unknown period of time. You figured it would be easier to pick up the pieces of your shattered self-confidence, and stitch them back together by yourself. After all, that way, no one would accidentally, or not-so-accidentally, step on the shards while trying to pick them up. Despite all that, Nina managed to ever so subtly make your walls cave in, effectively making your resolve crumble, and throwing you into chaos that felt familiar. The chaos of having a crush. The way the slightest touch would leave your skin feeling as if it was on fire, the reluctance at saying goodbye, and constantly drifting towards them without even noticing.

But it was different with others. They were still pushed far away, only managing to stay close and feelas if they were close friends with you, because of Nina. Their presence gave you nothing. No joy, no anger, nothing. They were just there, and so were you.

''...And then she disappeared. The only person I cared about was just gone.'' You stared down at your intertwined hands, your other hand laid on your leg, repeatedly scratching the fabric of your jeans, a nervous tic you had had since childhood.

Johan let out a small hum of understanding, his thumb slowly stroking your hand comfortingly.

''What happened afterwards?'' He asked, after a small while of silence.

''Oh, that's another long story, and to be honest, I don't feel like recalling all that too today. The short version is; I've just been drifting around since, looking for her, and that lead me here.''

Your tea was probably cold by now.

''I understand. You don't have to tell me everything. I'm glad that you've shared this with me.''

You lifted your head to look him in the eyes. ''So, how do you feel now?''

The weight of nervousness in your chest had slowly dissolved, as you had recounted your past to him. Your walls had been opened, ever so slightly. The first push had been nerve-racking, but as you kept going, it had become easier and easier. There had been no judgment or disapproval from Johan, nothing to push your walls shut again.

A small smile grazed your face.

''Pretty good.''