The Diary of Existing

FORTY FIVE

FORTY FIVE

Me and Wesley were practically conversing on the phone every night, sometimes during the day. At first it felt irritating, but it was pretty nice having to talk to someone. Or just having someone expect a text message from me, or a voice message. It also felt great waking up in the morning and seeing a notification on my phone. Morgan and Angel have begun to tease me about it constantly, they'd text me every time they see me sneaking a peek at my phone during class. Jacqueline, Bailey and Hannah did the same thing. They were probably more happy than Angel and Morgan, already thinking of me and Wesley as a couple.

But, we aren't yet. I mean, he's just courting me.

But I haven't heard from one person.

Henry.

I don't memorize his phone number, and I can't ask Morgan or Angel because I feel like they'd think negatively of me asking Henry's number, even if he is just a friend. But I'm reminded of what Morgan told me. And I remember how her personality had changed for that split second and how she seemed to have looked down on me for what she assumes is me leading Wesley on. She didn't say it, but it was implied.

It was a Friday, and I sitting on the bench once again outside of campus, debating whether or not I should even attend my session. If I don't go, Dr. Palmer will panic and start calling people and I don't even know if Dr. Arbour has left and gone back home. And I couldn't risk me missing a session to be jotted down to whatever she thinks my issue is.

But as I sit here, I do have the feeling that maybe me being here is just me waiting to bump into Henry, possibly get him to give me a ride again and do stuff after with him. I enjoyed hanging out with him, he found ways to make me feel at ease, even when we had that awkward encounter after his little confession. I wish he hadn't confessed to me, because then maybe I wouldn't think too deeply and feel all embarrassed and awkward around him at times.

"Hey." I looked up, my hopes were on Henry but I was disappointed to see Wesley.

"Hi." I said, my tone low. I wonder if he even noticed my disappointment. I don't mean to be, but I really wished Henry was here.

"Where are you going? I was about to call you and ask if you wanted to hang out today." Wesley said and I was fearing to be asked about what I had planned today. I didn't have an excuse prepared. With Henry it was easy, because he knew.

Maybe I should tell Wesley about it. It's only fair, isn't it?

"I'm sorry, I have plans. I'm going to Central to meet with my mother's assistant." I said and tried to fake a smile, hoping he'd buy my excuse and not offer to drive me there.

"I'm headed to Central too. I'd drive you there but I don't have a car tucked away in campus like Henry, and he's gone so I can't borrow it either. We can take the bus together instead." Wesley said and I had prayed he'd just go away.

But he didn't.

And so we waited for the bus, and when it arrived we sat together in silence. I could see from the corner of my eye that he'd look at me, probably thinking of what to say, what topic to discuss. I had to admit, despite the endless conversations we'd have on the phone, in person we seemed a tad bit awkward. It wasn't like Snowshill, when it was relaxed and we were fine. It's as if his confession and him asking to court me had put us in this awkward little bubble.

Or the fact that he just gave me a new phone.

I don't know which one it is, it could also be both.

When we got to Central we were on the same stop. He then offered to walk to where I needed to be, of course I tried to decline and made an excuse that I didn't want to trouble him, but then he retorts by saying that he didn't need to leave that early. And so we walked together. And I was feeling nervous. I was feeling so nervous, that he would see which building I was in. That he might know that inside the building I intended to enter had a psychiatrist who had her private practice there.