South Park: One Shots

Breathless

Platonic K2 (Kyle × Kenny)
Warning: panic attacks and swearing.
Art above by me
07:27

Why am I crying?
I, I can't breathe. Darkness. Why can't I see?
Numb, everything's numb.
Can't see, can't feel, can't breathe. Cold, so cold. What's happening?
I want to scream out but I can't, I can't even move. Focus on breathing. Can't breathe.
I know this will pass soon, I know. So why can't I stop it?
Can't hear my own thoughts.

After a few minutes, it passes. I stand, brushing the snow from my legs and pulling my parka hood up, drawing it closed with the strings.

Normally, this would be a rare occurance. But they've gotten worse recently.

It's funny, I used to barely think of them, now I'm greeting them with open arms. I don't fight the feeling anymore; sometimes it's just easier to let them take over.

Sure it's scary. You never quite get used to them, always wondering if today might be the day you get through without one. Other days? One, two, three, four. A multitude can hit you all at once, your thoughts unbearable to hear and yet you can't. It's worrying to say the least.

I have half a mind to cancel my plans with Kyle, but him and I have barely hung out. I tend to withdraw when my anxiety gets bad again. At one point, Kyle came down to check on me. He finally saw where I lived. He knew I was poor - after all, he's made jokes about it - but I don't think he realised just how bad it was.

As I'm walking away from the dilapidated building I call home, another roof tile falls put of place, another window pane splinters under its own weight. It truly was a sight.

~~~

As I make my way to the posher estate I feel it start to happen again. God, why now?

I knock on Kyle's door, his mom answering. "Oh, Kenny."
She looks at me in disapproval. I knew I shouldn't have come today.

"He's upstairs in his room," her whiny voice pierces my ears, like a shrill whistle. "You know which door it is right?" I nod, my breath coming out in small gasps. Her red brows furrow.
"Are you okay?"

I duck under her outstretched arm and bolt for the bathroom. Kyle peers out from his room, tearing his eyes away from the screen. "Hey Kenny! Are you okay dude?"

I bolt for the bathroom, not explaining what was happening. I slam the door shut and sit against it. Kyle begins to frantically knock on the wooden oak door. "Kenny! Let me in!" I start gasping for air, barely filling my lungs. The room seemed to grow smaller.

A shrill shriek sounds from below. "Kyle, me and your father are taking Ike out to soccer, don't do anything stupid."
"Okay mom!"

Stupid, like inviting me.

Stupid like being my friend.

Stupid.

Stupid.

How stupid can I be?

I stumble to my feet to lock the door and sit on the bathmat a few feet away from the door. "Kenny!" He pounds furiously.
Knock, knock, knock.
He's going to shout at me.
Knock, knock, knock.
"I'll be out soon." I can hear the tears in my voice.
Bang, bang, bang.
My big mistake was showing up.

The pounding stops, and for a moment I think he's gone so I stop resisting and give in to the overwhelming dread.
Through my salty tears, I see the door unlock from the other side. I try to stop it but it's too late. My mind is already a cacophony of noise.

The handle twists and Kyle rushes in. He must be so disappointed in me. He must think I'm so stupid. He must-
"Dude, listen to my voice." He tries to touch me but I shake him off. I couldn't help it, it's like a reflex action. "Breathe."

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" I snap, I didn't mean to, it just happened. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. "I didn't mean it."

"It's okay. Do you want me to leave?" I shake my head furiously, I want him here desperately but I don't know how he could help. "Can I touch you?" Again I shake my head. I try to explain but no words are formed. He sits opposite me, not saying a word but letting me ride out the attack.

After a few minutes, it's over. I'm still shaky, and I'm still crying but it's over.

"You okay dude?"
"Yeah." I gulp to try and get rid of the lump in my throat. "I'll be fine in a minute." He stands and offers me a hand. I take it, gratefully. He pulls me into a quick hug.

"Sorry about that."
"Dude, don't you dare apologise. It's not your fault." I shrug my shoulders. "Trust me. It's not a problem."
"I just," I begin to explain myself but Kyle stops me again.
"You don't have to explain anything to me. I've seen you through enough of these to know why." His cognac eyes stare into my own.
"You're my friend Kenny. I wouldn't let you go through it alone."

He wraps an arm around my shoulders, "Let's go to Starks. You should probably get some fresh air."

Wordlessly, we leave the house.

I'm so lucky to have such a great friend.
I smile and have only one thought in my mind:

What would I do without him?

07:54