What I Have Learned From Love

counterfeit feelings.

6th grade.

I was my sisters shadow. We finally were going to the same school since she was in elementary and i finally had a way to make friends.

My sister was one of the most popular kids in school because she was edgy and people liked that.

Looking back im sure i seemed like a try hard. I tried being friends with her friends and I would wear her clothes. She was in 8th and on top of the world.

She looked alot older than me and i was super jealous all the boys liked her because she had boobs and hips and I was flatter than a chalkboard.

My self esteem sucked. But one day when I was hanging out with my sister and her friends there you were you were my age. You were Jumping around and being super hyper. I thought it was funny. You were so different than my 4th grade crush. You looked less soft you were taller than me and skinny with bright blonde hair and hazel eyes. You were different than the comfort that i have experienced before. And I liked it.

We hung out once a week but nothing serious ever happened I mean I was 11 years old. I did habe real feelings for you I just wasnt ready to express them in a physical way.

You would show up outside of my house and i would hide in my room and watch you outside of my window. I made my sister tell you I was sick.

I wasnt ready. And thats my fault. But i had a gut feeling that I didnt want to be physical with you. My soul was telling me it wasnt right.

You would flirt with other girls and call them cute and you would do it right infront of me. I honestly felt that I desearved it considering that i wasnt giving you what you wanted.

One day when we were all hanging out with our group of older friends someone brought up our relationship and asked if we have kissed yet. My cheeks immediately turned pink and i shifted in my chair feeling choked by the uncomfortable silence.

Everyone starts chanting
"KISS"
"KISS"
"KISS"

My heart started pounding and I ran to the bathroom. My sister followed and told me that if I like him i should just go for it.

So i did.
At this time after my breakdown in the bathroom you were standing at a table talking to your brother. And i ran straight up to you and stood on the table grabbing you by the collar of your shirt and planting a peck on your lips.  My first kiss, and I pulled a boy by his shirt and took control.

What a bad ass bitch.

A few days after this I broke up with you because that kiss validated in my mind that I wasnt ready for physical affection like that.

There will be a second chapter about this boy later in the story because he comes back into my life later on.