Today we're changing things up. This event happened to me this week on Saturday morning at nine. I do mention anxiety, so if you are sensitive this may be hard for you to read. I don't exaggerate what happened and I hope ya'll get insight on how I am as a person. Keep in mind as you read that this is a small part of me. I do have my bad days, and this reflects that. Without further adieu, please enjoy.
I had some of my worse social anxiety since awhile. I'm in a film group, but hadn't been to the meetings (due to them being cancelled by the time I got in the group). A small group of the film peeps were meeting at a café in the morning. I knew that since this was in a public setting, I could have a hard time feeling comfortable but gave myself the benefit of the doubt. Boy howdy I should've been more prepared. After parking and walking over, I felt great. I wonder who're all going to show up? I hope this goes well! Entering the café I felt slightly uncomfortable due to it being busier than I expected. (It's a café on a Saturday morning silly! I should've known better!) After ordering a cheap ginger peach tea I stood to the side while the waitress made it. Ok, just breathe in and out. You're simply going to ask her about the group. Don't freak whatever you do... it's just a normal part of her job, she won't be upset at you asking.
I see the cup before me and she starts walking away, "Uh-uh, hi! Uhm... is there a group in that closed off area?"
"Just a sec! Let me check.. mmm... nope! No one has "rented" the room so it's free to anyone." The sweet waitress smiles and sets off to help another customer. Finding an empty seat near a window and behind two gentlemen, I shimmy my way through and sit down. And there. Right there was when it hit me. Wow, there's a LOT of people in here. The room began to feel claustrophobic, the air was thick. I became self-conscious of my hands and eyes. No stupid, just keep your hands on your cup. You don't want to get the table dirty. Ah! You just made awkward eye-contact with that dude across from you. Twice now! Just look out the window that way no one thinks you're suspicious. Now looking back on it, there was no reason to be so paranoid. I'm just another customer just doing her thing. Nothing to freak out about. Right? But in the moment, it felt so different. While looking out that window I was too self-conscious to even turn my head behind me to even spot out the film members. And never being to a meeting before, I didn't recognize anyone. Trying a quick last minute "save me" tactic, I opened my phone and messaged. "Is the group in that little glass area?"
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After hitting send I decide to write out what I'm feeling in hopes to ease the anxiety and to word out my thoughts.
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On the verge of shaking I look at my swirling cup. You're not leaving just yet. I know you wanna sink in a hole and disappear, but you came here for a reason. Gathering up the little courage I had, I looked at the glass "study" room. Standing up, tea in hand, I came up to one of the customers. "Hi, ehhh... is this where the film group meeting is supposed to be?"
"Hmm? What was that?"
"The film group? Are you apart of it?"
"Sorry, we're not..."
"Oh! Ok, well... thanks." Turning and going back to my seat I felt utterly torn apart. With tears forming at my eyes I look out the window and sip my tea. It's not that big of a deal. It's. not. that. big of. a deal! Itsnotthatbigofadealitsnotthatbigofa.... I need to leave. Right now. So, there I sat. For the next ten minutes I just sat looking out that window hoping for a message from the group. Bringing my eyes back to my phone I check for any responses. None. I get the guts to scan my eyes quickly up. No one from the bustling café had headed into the glassed off area. Wait! Someone went in! I look back at my tea. Hmmm... they left though. Should I leave? A shadow falls on my left.
"Hi, are you _____?"
I look up and it was the woman who had entered the glass study room. Shakily I answer, "Hey, yeah! Nice to meet you."
:Non-Fiction
And that's how it went. During the meeting I was still full of intense nervous energy, especially since I was the only young one. (My anxiety symptoms are worse around older folk) I'm 19 and everyone else was 40ish. But I'm glad I didn't run away. I'm also incredibly glad to know some people from the group now! I know I have a long way to go with dealing with my own social issues, but if you struggle from social anxiety or other problems (no matter how small! I hope things get better and that you stick with it <3
Disclaimer: Not everyone with social anxiety goes through this in the same way as I do! I do not speak on anyone else's behalf. What happened above was my situation and mine only. I do not use the words "social anxiety", "anxiousness" or "depression" lightly. I go to therapy and recently finished an assessment with another to join an 'adult social anxiety program'. I am comfortable with who I am and am not ashamed of the help that I need.
