Seven Soul Ties

Fifteen Minutes

Four months later, and I had no idea how I managed to get back into the swing of things, or at least pretended to have my shit together.

I was sitting down, having a cup of much needed coffee in the glam room after wrapping up another photo shoot at 10 pm. It had been nonstop work ever since we got back.

I sighed as I reveled in thought, closing my eyes – allowing memories to flicker before my closed lids.

I haven't had time to just sit back, and assess the happenings of the past few months, and most recently, the physicality of it all.

Everything was the same, yet very different. Granted, a lot of intense shit happened on the vacation, none of which I intentionally started, but didn't necessarily stop, either. The dynamics was somehow warped, merged into a bubble containing all of us.

It was no longer just me and them, or them and me from two different worlds, only coming together when work required it.

We were a newly formed unit, albeit unspoken.

I felt my defenses, my carefully curated walls, breaking down as I tread closer and closer, lifting the veil of the entrance to the boys' realities. It dawned on me that I didn't have as much control as I initially thought.

I found myself saying yes to later and later nights, sometimes staying up, drinking until dawn, and sometimes watching movies after being on set for hours on end, never seeming to have a problem to hang out around their schedules.

Before I knew it, I would be standing in front of their dorms on my off days, or even force – well, nag at them, to come to my company and have lunch with me when I wasn't needed at the studio glam room; or making them sit as models when I'm teaching newly recruited makeup artists.

I guess that is what having friends felt like. It's a sort of dependence you develop, they fulfill your life, and you fulfill theirs.

I had a void in my heart, and I thought the only thing that could fill that was hard work and dedication. So much so, that I lost touch with my humanity. I became de-humanized in a sense, just surviving on the mundanities of work, eat, sleep, and repeat.

It was my safe space, where I had full control. Nobody sees me, they just admire my work, and ultimately vice versa. I would see them as projects, blank canvases waiting to be painted by my willing brush.

For one, I hated any show of emotion, even if I was cracking under pressure. Taehyung caught a glimpse of my rawness; my need for comfort. His shoulders were always big enough for me to cry on – literally. Never questioning, always listening. Equal parts beautiful and unusual, he remained unpredictable, and easily offended, but we have gotten over our past misunderstanding, and I somewhat knew how his mind worked. At the end of the day, he was my ultimate comforter; my whiskey dude.

Jimin noticed my incessant need to belong; he tapped into a part of my core that needed reassurance. He understood me in a way that I didn't even think I needed to be understood in. The never ending quest of perfection was all too familiar to him, and I think he feared that I would fall into the same darkness, even though it started off as me being his constant source of reassurance. He was a kind, and loving soul, always putting the needs of others before that of his own, and in a sense it broke my heart.

Namjoon helped me bring out my leadership side. Being the same age, and having so much responsibility thrusted upon our shoulders, he was always there to help steer me in the right direction. We would sit for hours on end, chatting about one thing or another. He stimulated my intellectual side, the side that always yearned to know more, to be more. He also taught me a lot about patience – that good things comes to those who work hard continuously. I respected and admired greatly.